Tarzan and Jane

Today we start with a theoretical story. It’s purely hypothetical. Right. A boy likes a girl. But he can’t tell her he likes her, because that’s against the rules of The Game. Instead they beat around the bush, always hinting but never just saying. With this avoidance of directness comes the fingernails-on-the-chalkboard agony of not knowing how the other person feels, and you certainly can’t ask them. No, no, that’s taboo.

Why?

First let me make it clear that I’m a hopeless romantic, and I’m quite aware of the romance in The Hunt, so to speak. Not knowing is a mystery, and we humans like mysteries. But speaking from personal experience, it usually involves acute mental and emotional anguish (the not-knowing-how-the-other-person-feels part), especially if you’re actually interested in them. I generally try to avoid unnecessary pain, as a rule. :) Is this necessary? Perhaps it is. I don’t know. But what if it’s not?

For example, there’s a whole lot more to romance than the beginning of a relationship when you don’t know how the other feels — the rest of the relationship! It’s a very small part of things. Is it any less romantic to express one’s true feelings? True, this can backfire in a big way. I see a few possibilities:

1. Boy likes girl. Girl has no interest in boy. Boy tells girl how he feels. Girl is weirded out and calls the police. End of relationship.

2. Boy likes girl. Girl has a small level of interest in boy. Boy tells girl how he feels. Girl is still weirded out. Awkwardness ensues. Boy is lucky if anything comes out of it.

3. Boy likes girl. Girl is really interested in boy. Boy tells girl how he feels. Girl swoons and they live happily ever after. Or something like that.

Obviously I’m betraying my lack of insight into female psychology. :) But regardless, it seems to me that being open and honest about one’s feelings could very well be the better path. Personally, I much prefer being upfront with each other as opposed to this maddening game we play in the name of romance. If a girl likes me and I don’t like her (and I’m pretty sure there’s no chance I’d ever like her as more than a friend), I think it’s best to tell her right away (even though it’s infinitely harder than being silent about it) rather than lead her on and feed her false hopes that will still have to die in the end. Being open can be more painful, but in the long run it’s more humane. And if both are interested in each other, then great, you don’t have to worry anymore and you can focus on the relationship without all the stress of wondering if you’re being led on.

And yet if you do tell a girl you’re madly in love with her, she freaks out, her roommates freak out, her roommates’ mothers freak out, and heck, even her roommates’ mothers’ pet parakeets freak out. And everyone you talk to shakes their head and tries to think of which local mental ward would be a better fit for you. ~sigh~

(True, it depends on what kind of a guy you are. There are freaky guys out there. But what about the normal guys? Aren’t declarations of passion the height of romance? That’s the message I’m getting from the chick flicks, but maybe my receiver is broken.)

Am I missing something? Is there a piece of the puzzle that fell off the table?

The astute reader can probably tell that this post isn’t rhetorical. :) We are all fools in love, said Jane.

Update: I just read today’s Non Sequitur and it’s too perfect to let slip by:

Ben,

There are many directions to go with this post. I spent many years dating before getting married at 29. I sometimes wonder if I could have used my time better. Here’s an interesting article arguing that courting is better than dating: http://www.lewrockwell.com/orig3/h-carson1.html. See what you think.

That’s a good read. For me, the question of sex isn’t even a question, because we believe in complete abstinence before marriage and complete fidelity after. But there’s a lot in the article that did apply.

I began this article by saying I recently married after a 4-month courtship. This was both a bewildering and exciting experience for Stephen and me as we grappled with the resurrection of a ritual that has long been dead. Leon and Amy Kass define courtship as “to woo with a view toward marriage.” I believe our courtship was a success. We avoided the purposelessness of dating by setting boundaries on our time together and made it known that marriage was the overall goal, whether it would be to each other or someone else. We made sure our actions protected each other from the embarrassment and awkwardness of getting too emotionally involved too fast by each having the accountability of our parents and elders in our life. No talk of marriage was made until an actual proposal was given, and there was no kissing until the ring was on my finger, (how exciting that night was!!). We remained physically chaste until our wedding night. I am so thankful that our courtship was a wonderful and memorable process that I will want to share with our children some day, and without all of the embarrassing mishaps and broken promises that a lack of structure and purpose brings.

Being an old-fashioned sort of fellow, this immediately resonated with me. First, in my mind the whole point of dating is to find a spouse. Marriage is the goal. Dating for the sake of dating is pointless. (The usual argument raised against that is, “How will you know what you’re looking for unless you go on dates?” Real life, I reply. Marriage is not an eternal date — it’s real life, and it’s in those situations that you’ll see how people act and react. I’ve learned enough from observing other people throughout the course of my life that I don’t need to go on dates to figure out what I want.) I don’t feel any need to go out and do something just for the sake of it; there’s too much else I could be doing (the list is endless). And hanging out is often a waste of time. Not always, of course, but it usually eats up more time than it needs to.

It’s important to set boundaries on the relationship, especially the physical part. Sure, my hormones would love to kiss a lot, but I think it’s better to wait until the engagement. Temptations can be strong; why make it harder? There are other ways to show affection in the meantime, and besides, if it does work out then I’ll have all eternity for it. If it doesn’t work out, on the other hand, do I really want to be that physically attached to a girl who’s going to end up as some other man’s wife? No. Purity is better.

Actually, I would say the courting mentality may be leading to a lot of situation #1’s. At our ward conference, my stake president gave a talk on how in Provo we have shortened the relationship timeline so much that now asking a girl on a first date is almost the same as getting engaged. It appears to me that no boy asks any girl out until they are absolutely certain they could marry the person (the “don’t spend money on another man’s wife” mentality, which I hate). Meanwhile, the girl has no idea any relationship even exists until boy (already convinced he will marry said girl) asks girl out for the first time.

Basically, the problem is a relationship imbalance: the guy doesn’t ask her out until he is already totally invested in the relationship, which she doesn’t even know about. Clearly, the girl freaks out, unless by some coincidence the girl was plotting the same way about the boy. It’s simply unfair to throw someone unprepared into a relationship like that. That is why I think casual dating is a good thing: it allows both people to develop the relationship at an equal pace, preventing anyone from “freaking out” because the other side is way more invested than they are.

What I’m trying to say is that having marriage as your end goal for dating is good, but having marriage to a specific person as your end goal is bad, at least until the relationship has some time to develop. Once there is an actual relationship, you can move on to specific people, but it feels very . . . predatory to be asked out only because the person wants to marry you.

So really, I’m not exactly sure where you are (hypothetically) coming from, so I’m not sure how to respond. Here are two possible responses:

1) If you had been on a few dates with said girl, perhaps it is time for a DTR or something. This is a perfectly acceptable time to just say how you feel about moving along. Clearly, there’s no point in continuing dating if there isn’t mutal interest. This should lead to either 2 or 3, depending on mutal interest.
2) If you haven’t been on any dates with said girl, then what is your problem? Just ask her out! Obviously confessing any feelings at this point leads to situation #1. Rather than freaking anyone out by asking them to step into a relationship ready made, asking a girl out is a great way to indicate you have some interest. After a few dates, she should be kind enough to let you know if she is still interested, or you could bring it up.

Of course, you may want to take my advice with a large heap of salt, considering my lack of any experience in this area. This is all pretty much theoretical. You know, so much of what I see in life reminds me of something I read in a book, when it should be the other way around.

Liz, I see your point. I definitely agree that (dating/courting/whatever one wishes to call the process of finding a mate) only to marry a specific individual can be excessive nad uncomfortable. As a matter of fact I can see how that mindset hindered me during part of my life.

I think that casual dating is good. This would include doing things that other people might not even think of as dates, because the activities might be pretty normal in the flow of day to day life. That way the “courting” phase can be moved into more naturally, because the couple already knows each other fairly well and has been together in a variety of situations, not just well-planned ones on weekend nights.

I think over-emphasis on dating (and making it out to be a bigger deal than it is) can be negative. Your example about a guy not asking a girl out until he thinks he’s in love with her rings true here. The whole “Prom” syndrome these days (with its expensive and never-ending activities) could fall under that category too.

Elder Oaks has a good article in the June 2006 Ensign (which just arrived in my mailbox today) called “Dating versus Hanging Out”. It’s an excerpt taken from the latter part of a May 2005 CES Fireside talk which can be found here: http://www.lds.org/library/display/0,4945,538-1-3100-1,00.html.

Having been through LDS dating for several years and marrying at age 29, I guess I would sum it up by suggesting casual dating, doing lots of different things with lots of different people, putting up boundaries for physical affection, and being up front when discussing feelings.

As far as my own experience goes, well, this isn’t exactly the best forum for going into the intimate details of my love life :), so let me just say that while I do think it’s better to express feelings honestly, today it seems to have backfired. Lesson learned (the hard way). Why can’t lessons be learned before they really matter? ~sigh~ But we’ll return to the more general discussion, especially because talking about my own case in any detail could get very awkward if the, um, other party were to, you know, read this blog. :)

Liz: That’s a good point. And I’d never really thought of the imbalance (weighted in the guy’s favor — or disfavor, depending on how you look at it), but it’s certainly there. The only addendum I have is that it’s not necessarily that the guy is absolutely certain he could marry the girl, but rather that there’s certainly a possibility (which isn’t too much to ask for, I think, but it depends on how picky the guy is). It’s not the fine details that matter at that point, just the large brush strokes. Or at least that’s how it is for me. But yes, unequal balance in relationships is awkward for both sides. Trust me, I know. ~bigger sigh~

Sean: I suppose I’m not so big on casual dating because I’m not the sort of person who naturally hangs out, but for other people (and the general consensus seems to be that I’m a minority here :)), it’s probably a good thing. And yes, it’s very stressful when the semantic weight of a single date is so great. :) If you go on lots of dates, then each individual date doesn’t seem to be such a big deal; but if you only go on six dates a year, each one is a major event. Elder Oaks’ talk is great (and hilarious — when he gave it at the CES fireside a year ago, we were laughing harder than we’d laughed in a long time), and it’s why I don’t really hang out (along with my natural tendency away from that). I like the idea of “doing things that other people might not even think of as dates,” because it’s more real, more in tune with whatever future might lie in store for the two of you (or whoever you do end up getting married to). Life is not just entertainment; it’s hard work, sacrifice, and service.

I totally agree with being open about feelings. I think the reason we tend to not say anything, especially when it’s going to be a big “no” is because we know that it’s going to hurt when we do it. On the other hand, there’s a chance, usually very slight, that almost no pain will come from not saying anything and that the whole thing will just blow over. While there are times when it is best to remain silent (though usually only for a time), I think the pain of being honest at the beginning will almost always pale in comparison to the pain of having to be honest later.

I never thought about dating getting skewed on the side of guys in the way it has been mentioned. I can definitely see that, now that I think about it. However, I think it happens on both sides fairly equally. Guys not asking girls out unless they think they’d marry them, and girls refusing to be interested in a guy if their first thought wasn’t marriage. Unfortunately, our culture, especially here at BYU, makes it really hard to move away from this. I admit getting tired of hearing so many talks on marriage. Sometimes I think the culture here is so focused on marriage that it forgets there’s more to life than getting married, shock and gasp! While it’s undeniably a very important part, it’s not the only part. Not all who attain exaltation will have married in this life (or married younger), and not all who marry will attain exaltation.

As always, there’s a lot that I think both sides can do to dispel the fear that surrounds dating. I think it’s unfair to say that it’s the guys who have the problem or the girls that have the problem. Since the whole concept is a partnership, the whole problem is shared equally by both. But the most important thing is to make the effort yourself.

Shaun: Oh, yes, it’s certainly easier to remain silent and hope it just goes away. That’s what I’ve often done with girls who I know like me but towards whom I have no interest, because I didn’t quite know how to break it to them. In fact, it happened again just yesterday. (Though admittedly yesterday she was beating around the bush and didn’t directly state her intentions or affections, but it was as clear as a mountain stream.)