A new chapter

Last night as I was writing in my journal just before bed, my cell phone rang. I knew who it was even before I looked at the display. Yup, it was her.

“Hello, —–, how’s it going?” I said, trying not to swallow at an awkward point or let my voice crack or quiver. Be suave, Ben, be suave.

“Pretty good,” she replied, and proceeded to tell me how her day went. So this is why you haven’t called me yet. Hmm, excuses are not good. Brace yourself.

After a few more seconds of chitchat, she gave the sign that marked what was to follow: an “uh,” drawn out in a downward spiral, clearly signaling awkwardness approaching rapidly. “I think very highly of you.” Yup, this is it. That’s not how a girl says “Yes” to a date, not even in the stories. “And, well, I just don’t see anything coming of it.” That was direct. Yikes. But I did ask her to be blunt, and now there’s no doubt about it.

“That’s okay,” I kept repeating mindlessly, trying to sound confident and cool. I don’t think it worked. “Thanks for being upfront with me.”

“You’re a very good person,” she continued, and the conversation ended not long after that. I quivered for ten seconds and shed a tear or two, and then miraculously it was over. It’s almost like it never even happened. It’s magic. :)

Anyway, I learned something interesting from this: there’s a definite tendency to equate rejection with self-worth (or lack thereof). Why else would she keep assuring me that I wasn’t a bad person? Even though I apparently couldn’t make her happy (and in retrospect, with a clearer mind, I’m agreeing with her) and I wasn’t her type, I certainly didn’t feel like I was any less of a human being for it. But I easily could have. And I think I have in the past. That’s one of the hard parts of being blunt and honest, and she handled it well.

Thus ends a chapter in the life of Ben. Good — I always like starting new chapters. :)

P.S. While I’m more open than I used to be before blogging, I’ve no intention of making everything public, especially in relationships. My rule of thumb is that if I’d feel awkward if the other person read it, then I don’t write it. (And that goes for roommates and family and others, too, not just girls.)

In his excellent book, Self-Esteem, Dr. Matthew McKay points out that one trick we who suffer from low self-esteem tend to play is the “mind reading” trick. We love presuming what other people think of us, but in truth, it’s always a projection of our own inner mess being overlaid upon the poor hapless people who wander into our lives when we’re not quite feeling 100%.

I don’t know the LDS viewpoint on improving self-esteem, but since Dr. Covey plays for your team, I’m thinking it’s cool to help one’s self. That said, the best possible time to start a new chapter is when you finish rewriting your fresh biography, after cleaning up all the loose plot threads.

FWIW, it really really chews hearing those types of things from people, no matter how put-together you’re feeling.

Self-esteem is important, true, but focusing too much on oneself isn’t good. I think that when we know who we are and how much we’re worth in God’s eyes, that’s enough and we need to then turn our focus to other people. It’s like a black hole sometimes — if our central focus stays too close to us, we get sucked into ourselves and find it difficult to care about other people. And when it really comes down to it, isn’t that what matters? Personal experience (along with the teachings of wise men and women whose counsel I trust) has taught me that when I’m thinking about myself all the time, happiness is fleeting at best. But when I forget about myself and think about those around me — their happiness and well-being — I feel great, I’m at peace with myself, and true happiness glows out from within.

That said, of course there’s a need for self-esteem, because those who have a negative view of themselves find it rather hard to get outside themselves and help others. And there’s the question: to raise our self-esteem, should we focus on how good a person we are (or ought to be), or should we rather do our best to serve others? I’m leaning towards the latter, because it’s in helping others that we’ll find our true selves and really be at one with ourselves and with those around us.

As for the girl, in retrospect I’m really glad that she told me right away, because it’s freed me to move on and get over it. And now I’m quite fine, 100% back to normal.