sixline: I don’t think pursuit will instantly change anyone’s mind, and I agree that the initial chemistry has to be there, even if it’s subconscious. At any rate, it’s easier to find someone who’s interested in return and doesn’t have to be persuaded. :) As for deserving love (to answer Connor’s point later on), I think what you’re getting at here is that Heavenly Father wants us to have love. And finally, yes, it’s in God’s hands. I just need to be more patient. :)

J: More and more I’m realizing that people really do have to follow their own heart. Other people are always concocting theories and ladling out advice, which can often be a good thing, to be sure, but in the end we must do what feels right for us. And that won’t always be in line with what everyone else thinks is right for us. For example, lots of people have encouraged me over the years to spend more time hanging out. Every once in a while I try, and occasionally it’s fun, but almost inevitably I realize that it’s just not for me. It’s not something I do. I don’t think it’s wrong or sinful or anything like that; it’s just something for other people and not so much for me. And in spite of all the arguments to the contrary, I really don’t think that hanging out will lead me to my wife, at least in my case. (And if I’m wrong, then I’m sure the Lord will nudge me into place to make an exception.)

Katherine: You mean dating isn’t the most important thing in life? ;) You’ve put the essence of my post into a nicely compact sentence: “When is opposition a sign that a particular path is not the best option, and when is opposition just opposition?” That’s precisely what I was getting at. If it’s just opposition, then let me at it — I’ll pummel it down until I come off conquerer. But if it’s a sign, then why waste energy in the wrong direction? I think you’re right about it not necessarily mattering, and when there’s something eternal at stake, about the Lord urging us to press on.

Ann: The growing together thing is one I look forward to a great deal, which is why I was mildly disappointed to graduate sans-spouse — it would be so romantic to go through school together! Oh well. At this rate, I’ll have already bought a house by the time I find my mate. “Sorry, honey, all the hard stuff’s over. Guess it’s just smooth sailing from here on.” :P (Yes, I know.)

Speaking of strong feelings, I have the unfortunate curse of pre-imagining everything out in advance — starting almost as soon as I first see the girl. In theory it makes sense, visualizing your future life together as a couple and seeing if it feels harmonious and good or if there’s anything jarring, but in reality it makes things awfully difficult. I try to stop myself, but it’s something I do with everything in life (since pre-visualization often does help one meet with success), and it’s a hard habit to break. That’s why I’m almost wondering if I’ll have to be blindsided by marriage. We’ll see.

J: Yeah, restraining orders aren’t any fun. :) While it’s often really hard to tell if certain signs mean a girl is interested, I think I am really good at reading the signs that mean she isn’t interested. And for me, if I know the girl isn’t interested then I almost immediately lose all interest in pursuit.

Heather: The enjoyment of the chase of the unattainable is folly and insanity. And while I do enjoy my fair share of both folly and insanity, that particular malady is luckily not my burden to bear. My sole motive in pursuit is to start a family. (And with the right girl, of course.)

Haley: Thanks. :) And while I know I probably shouldn’t focus so much on marriage — and I really don’t, in all honesty — at the same time it’s what I want more than anything else in life, even more than books, and so naturally it gravitates to the forefront of my thoughts on a frequent basis. I want the companionship that comes with marriage. I want to have someone by my side, someone to be with me in the valleys of my life (as I will be in hers) and in the mountains of joy, someone to share my life. Without a wife, I am not a whole man. I mean, sure, I’m doing fine as a bachelor, and it’s not like my life is devoid of meaning or happiness, but I still feel like jigsaw puzzle who’s missing half the pieces. I need a woman by my side to be complete, to become who I was meant to be. And unlike most goals in life, there’s not a whole lot I can do about it. (Well, I suppose I could just marry any old someone, thus fulfilling the letter of the law, but that’s not what I’m after.) I do try to kick it away to the back of my mind as often as possible, but it doesn’t stay there. ~sigh~ I guess the upside of all this is that when marriage finally does come for me, the years of waiting will have made it that much sweeter. Because believe you me, I am going to be so grateful when I finally kneel across the altar with Mrs. Crowder.

Wow, I didn’t quite expect all that to come out. :)

Donna: I disagree. Chemistry is there for a reason. Granted, it’s not enough to keep a marriage going — love is a verb, all of that — but it’s still very important. And in my experience, whether or not I’m attracted to a girl is almost always determined in the first few seconds or minutes of meeting her. Sometimes time can change that, and I will say that I’ve grown to love (more in a friend/sibling sense here) some of my female friends and have found that that fondness makes them seem more attractive to me, but it’s still not enough to cross the threshold and convince me I should pursue. Perhaps it’s different for girls. Perhaps it’s even different for most guys. I don’t know. But what I do know is that chemistry is the catalyst that starts a relationship for me, and I can’t see myself marrying a girl without it.

James: LOL, yes, me too. And in retrospect, I can see that one time it did feel right to pursue, and I did, even though the girl wasn’t interested. And more recently, I wanted it to feel right to pursue, but it didn’t, and so I did nothing. And the girl will soon be on a mission. Funny how that works out. ;)

Mali-Wan: Aye, the things that are most worth it are often hard, which is what led me to the original question — is the opposition to pursuit a mere difficulty to be overcome, or is it a divine seal of disapproval? I’m willing to work hard for something if I know it’s something I should be working hard for. :)

Connor: I’m so counting on that. :) Sixline was actually the one who said the bit about deserving love, not Julia, and up in my reply to his comment I mentioned what I think he meant. As far as actually deserving anything, yes, we’re unworthy creatures, and yes, the Lord’s blessings boggle the mind. And I agree that love is not the same thing as attraction. But I don’t think it’s fair for anyone to demand that a guy should marry a girl he’s not attracted to.

Caroline: It’s turned out to be quite the post, hasn’t it. :)

Shirley: That quote has stuck with me ever since I first heard it. And I’m terrifically excited to let my wife fly — that’s one of the amazingly beautiful things about marriage, that my wife will actually be a real person with her own thoughts and opinions, not just a clone of me. While there will almost certainly be many, many similarities between me and her, I’m almost more looking forward to the differences — they’re more interesting, at any rate. Undiscovered country. I want a wife who does her own thing, whether it’s writing or knitting or music or art or gardening or whatever else she wants to do. Mmm. :)

I love this about President Hinkley by his wife, Marjorie: “I am very grateful for a husband who always lets me do my own thing. . . . He never insists that I do anything his way, or any way for that matter. From the very beginning he gave me space and let me fly. What a man!” (Deseret News 2003)

Don’t worry, it’ll all work out! :)

Congrats, btw. Seriously

Thanks. If I’ve learned anything from the experience thus far, it’s that Heavenly Father definitely knows the right person for us. Though the impatient part of me can’t stand the phrase, “in the Lord’s due time” really is the best way to do things, though it’s hard to accept.

But man… when the Lord blesses you, he really blesses you…

Julia,

You (you, Ben, you Connor, you sixline, you Julia, you YOU) deserve love.

I disagree (see why here). We don’t really deserve anything. We are such unworthy creatures… Yet the Lord blesses us immensely in spite of our fallen state and unworthiness. It’s incredible.

Donna,

Love is not attraction. Attraction is not love.

I agree. Stephen Covey makes a great point in Seven Habits, that being that love is more a verb than a noun. If somebody “falls in love”, they can just as easily “fall out of love”. Rather, true love is an action. “Choose your love, and love your choice”. It takes work, dedication, service, and effort. It’s not passive as many would like to think (speaking from highly limited experience, of course…) :)

If we want something bad enough, strongly enough, we can work towards that goal and it’s been my experience that the sincerest desires of my heart often coincide with what Heavenly Father seemed willing to grant me. Obviously my love life is nothing spectacular but I’ve learned a great deal in the last few years (and honestly just from this post) to know that it only gets better. :)