The touch of a hand

Mother Teresa: Good evening, my son.

Ben: Wow, it worked!

Mother Teresa: Of course it worked. Now, what would you like to ask me?

Ben: Do I get three wishes?

Mother Teresa: I’m a nun, not a genie.

Ben: Sorry. Today, even though you’re a nun, I’d like to ask you about motherhood. More specifically, child discipline. What do you think of spanking?

Mother Teresa: Remember when I won the Nobel? They asked me, “What can we do to promote world peace?” I replied, “Go home and love your family.”

Ben: But couldn’t spanking be a way of showing love?

Mother Teresa: I hope you’re joking.

Ben: I guess you’re right. When I was younger, I’ll have to admit that on occasion I used spanking to enforce discipline while babysitting. And looking back on it I can’t think of a single time when I did it out of love.

Mother Teresa: Good, my son, I’m glad you see clearly.

Ben: But could it be different different for parents? Sibling love doesn’t even come close to the love a mother has for her child. Maybe a parent can spank out of love.

Gandhi: Excuse me, but violence is not the answer.

Ben: Looks like the whole India contingent is arriving.

Mother Teresa: I’m actually from Albania.

Ben: My bad. You’re right, Gandhi. Violence isn’t the answer. Sure, it seems to be a natural human reaction, but “the natural man is an enemy to God.” And yet Christ did throw out the moneychangers.

Mother Teresa: Keep in mind that Christ was a god, my boy. Are you? Am I?

Ben: No. Well, maybe you are by now, but I’m certainly not. Not yet, at least. One last question before I let you go back to Calcutta –

Mother Teresa: I’m not in Calcutta anymore.

Ben: Oh, that’s right. Well, do you think that it’s really possible to discipline children without resorting to violence? Won’t they turn out to be intolerable brats?

Mother Teresa: I think you already know the answer to that question. Look deep inside your heart. You’ve felt the power of God’s love. Do you now doubt it?

Ben: I guess I’d forgotten. You’re right, you know. It’s so easy for us to forget, to slip into the easier paths of anger and violence (or even violence without anger, but the more I think about it the more I wonder if that’s even possible), to give up without a fight. And yet love could save us, every single time. You look at the list of charity’s attributes in 1 Corinthians 13 and in Moroni 7, for example, and it’s hard to imagine violence having a place in there. Or a place at the foot of God’s throne in heaven, for that matter.

Mother Teresa: As I always say, let no one ever come to you without leaving better and happier. Be the living expression of God’s kindness; kindness in your face, kindness in your eyes, kindness in your smile, kindness in your warm greeting. Charity never faileth, my son.

Ben: It’s quieter, definitely — peace like a river — and yet it’s so powerful it can move mountains. I don’t think I’ll spank my kids. I don’t think I have the heart to do it anymore.

Mother Teresa: That’s good. Of course, you don’t have children at the moment.

Ben: I guess we’re alike in that way, then, aren’t we.

Mother Teresa: Perhaps I gave birth to no children with this body, but there are more ways than one to be a mother. And now I must go. Farewell, my son.

Ben: Goodbye. Wait, where did Gandhi go? I had a few questions I wanted to ask him…

Lehi: Ben, pardon me for eves dropping. I couldn’t help but overhear your conversation with Mother Teresa. You have to realize that she didn’t have kids. I did! I had Laman and Lemuel. So am I to understand that if I had been more charitable that the whole Lamanite thing wouldn’t have happened? Charity abounded in my heart for my two sons. What could I have done more?

Eli: Well Lehi, you should have probably whopped them a time or two. My two sons really needed a good whopping but I loved them too much to correct them- just couldn’t bring myself to do it. Then the Lord came to Samuel and told him to tell me that he would judge my “house for ever for the iniquity which [I] knoweth; because [my] sons made themselves vile, and [I] restrained them not,” 1 Samuel 3: 11-14. I tried counting to ten s-l-o-w-l-y.

Lehi: And I tried the talking thing. And I tried to persuade Laman and Lemuel with all the energy of my heart until my dying day.

Eli: So Ben what do you think about Proverbs 13: 24 “He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes?” If I had loved my sons enough to spank them perhaps I would could have prevented their deaths.

Lehi: Yea Ben, what about the rod? Some learned folks back in my day told me that the rod was just a measuring stick and I believed it. Guess I should have finished the book because in Samuel 23: 13-14 the Lord let us know that if the rod were only a measuring stick we would know the right way to use it. “Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die. Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell.”

Is it possible to spank or physically discipline a child with love?

Lehi: Would spanking your sons have actually made a difference? They still had the agency to choose. In fact, they were shocked by the power of God, but still didn’t repent.

I’m actually in favor of spanking, within reason and as long as it isn’t in anger. The decision my parents came to was that they would only spank for something the child did that could cause harm to themselves or others (like running out into the street or throwing something at a sibling) to reinforce the seriousness of the incorrect action. I like that idea.

I don’t agree with using anything other than your hand or spanking children who are too young to understand what they did wrong. I don’t believe in slapping or other forms of physical punishment. I do believe it’s possible to spank in love.

Of course, spanking is not the only form of punishment. The main truth that I see in the scriptures Lehi and Eli quoted is that parents must correct their children (Ben, I know you weren’t arguing against discipline, just a certain form of discipline).

When you’re in a store and your child starts screaming for candy, the easiest thing to do is to give it to them, but it’s the worst thing you can do.

Every day at work I get to see the consequences of bad parenting (and good parenting). Oh what a difference it makes. The parents who call a teacher to complain about a bad grade their child received do their child a great disservice. Protecting your children from the consequences of their actions teaches them that they can do whatever they want. Eventually, they will do something that you can’t protect them from and they’ll get expelled, get fired, go to jail or find some other hard way of learning the lessons you could have taught them with so much less pain when they were young.

Every child and every situation are different. The scriptures are full of different examples of God working with his children, from forgiving sins and showing mercy, to destroying cities. God, the perfect father, knows what his children need and will inspire righteous parents in what to do. There are children who may need an occasional spanking and there are children who it may be the worst thing for. Discipline with love and inspiration and you can’t go wrong.

Of course, that doesn’t mean your children won’t go wrong. The scriptures indicate that Eli was remiss in correcting his sons, but we don’t know if Lehi could have done anything else for Laman and Lemuel.

I agree with Mother Teresa on this one and also with President Hinckley. One can raise responsibile children without spanking.
Sapnking is not a synonym for discipline.

From President Hinckley’s 1994 Oct Conf Talk- Save the Children”
‘In terms of physical abuse, I have never accepted the principle of “spare the rod and spoil the child.” I will be forever grateful for a father who never laid a hand in anger upon his children. Somehow he had the wonderful talent to let them know what was expected of them and to give them encouragement in achieving it.

I am persuaded that violent fathers produce violent sons. I am satisfied that such punishment in most instances does more damage than good. Children don’t need beating. They need love and encouragement. They need fathers to whom they can look with respect rather than fear. Above all, they need example.

I recently read a biography of George H. Brimhall, who at one time served as president of Brigham Young University. Concerning him, someone said that he reared “his boys with a rod, but it [was] a fishing rod” (Raymond Brimhall Holbrook and Esther Hamilton Holbrook, TheTall Pine Tree: The Life and Work of George H. Brimhall, n.p., 1988, p. 62). That says it all.”

This is a great article:
“What do the scriptures and latter-day prophets teach about disciplining our children?”

Terry Warner, “I Have a Question,” Ensign, Mar. 1996, 72–73

Donna, I agree with you completely that spanking is not a synonym for discipline and that it is never right to lift a hand in anger, literally use a rod to discipline a child or abuse a child.

However, I don’t think spanking is a synonym for child abuse.

I can honestly say that I was never afraid of a spanking from my parents. They didn’t hurt enough to be a cause for fear. I will say that, in my observation, the more experienced parents become, the less often they spank.

President Hinckley did not say he was never spanked a child. He said his father never laid a hand on him “in anger.” I’m not saying he’s in favor of spanking, or opposed. I’m just saying that the quote doesn’t bring it up specifically and I don’t want to interpret it to mean something he didn’t actually say. I’m not aware of any specific Church doctrine on spanking. I checked out “I Have a Question” and, again, saw clear doctrine on not abusing children, but nothing to say that spanking is always wrong.

There is definitely Church doctrine on child abuse, in all forms. Any form of punishment can be taken to an extreme and become child abuse. It is right to tell a child “It is bad to hit your sister.” It is wrong to tell a child “You are bad.” I believe it can be right to spank a child, but it is never right to beat a child. There are those who will take the direction to not abuse a child to mean that they shouldn’t discipline, which is equally false. On the other hand, there are those who will use the direction to correct their children as justification for abuse.

Is it possible to raise righteous children without spanking? Probably. Should spanking be a common punishment? No. Does that mean spanking is always wrong? Allow me to share some more excerpts from the Ensign.

About President Tanner: “His disciplining of the children sometimes included a spanking, but more often it would simply be a very stern look.” – Hugh B. Brown, “President N. Eldon Tanner: A Man of Integrity,” Ensign, Nov 1972, 13

“Use physical punishment rarely and with restraint. There are few occasions when spanking is as effective as other methods of correcting misbehavior.” - “Disciplining with Love,” Ensign, Sep 1985, 32

And, last of all, a sweet example of a righteous father, Elder Eyring, allowing inspiration to influence how he disciplined his son: “Matthew supplied me a lesson. He cried, I thought without reason, in bed tonight. He asked several times if I’d blow his nose for him or hold the tissue while he blew his nose. After three or four trips, I stalked into his room and asked, ‘Do you want me to spank you?’ He nodded yes. I asked again, this time illustrating with my raised hand. He said, ‘Yes.’ Suddenly, my heart melted as I realized he trusted me so much that if I thought a spanking would help his problem, that’s what he wanted. I rocked him for a while and then realized to my further softening that he had a stuffed nose from a cold that was just beginning. That had been his discomfort. I got some tissues for him, gave them to him in bed, and told him to blow as much as he would like. He said, ‘Thanks.’ I went away a chastened man.” - Henry B. Eyring, “Family Followership,” Ensign, Apr 1973, 29

Key principles:
1. Never abuse a child
2. Do correct your children
3. Discipline with inspiration and love

Parenting practices are emotionally charged. Just like the place we school our children or how we live the word of wisdom.

I am a parent to 4 boys and 3 girls 8-28. I have 5 grandsons. I grew up outside the church. I had a father raised in the south with a “do not spare the rod” mentality that led to a divorce when I was 8. I can remember a hand welt that I recieved when I was 9, that lasted for days, for doing something that was innocent and not wrong in and of itself. I broke no rule. However, my father thought I had placed myself in danger.

As a mother, I would feel that if I resorted to spanking, it would have to be because I was inspired by the whispering of the spirit, to do so.

I am sad to say, I did not always feel as I do now. I am glad that I no longer feel as I once did.

My parenting rule is Doctrine and Covenants 121:41-46 To me, it embodies what I call the rule of Shepherding my children.

One can have boundaries and consequences that are not force, nor showing disregard for the temple of their spirit. If I was to strike a child I would have to be commanded to do so by the voice of the spirit.

Discipline is definitely necessary. And while I think spanking can on occasion be done righteously, it seems like it’s a slippery slope — too easy to fall into doing it for the wrong reasons, at least for me. Besides, discipline without physical force of any kind appears to be a better way (higher law), one that doesn’t create fear in one’s children. Can parents discipline without spanking? Yes, but spanking is far easier, which makes sparing the rod a bit of a challenge. Good thing I love Everests. :)

…and then we would talk.

Everests, Ben? Discipline is one of the most wonderful parts of parenthood. Whenever I had a child that acted up, acted troubled, or distressed – and all children do, we simply got in the car and drove 20 miles for ice cream cones. Then we would drive home and sit in the car and talk. By that time, I would know what we were talking about.

I had a good friend whose assigned parking spot was next to mine. Often he would come out, wave howdy, hop in his car, leave, come back with groceries or whatever, wave howdy, then repeat the process an hour or two later. Once he asked me why I was always sitting in the car talking to my girls; and I told him that I was listening. Eventually my car was laughingly nicknamed our mobile psychiatric unit… much better than mobile boxing ring, or the big black belt, I dare say. Usually these sessions ended up with all of my girls sitting in the car singing and laughing as we went for another ride.

If parents are to discipline (to teach), then parents need to first learn what needs to be taught. Then, as Donna pointed out, the Lord told us how and when to do the teaching. Donna, I also love that scripture; it is a complete parenting manual. The 121, 122, & 123 Sections of the D&C were given to Joseph Smith while he was imprisoned at Liberty Jail. The first time I read them was at Liberty Jail where they are engraved on a two story tall slabs of marble.

I am grateful that I had a comfortable car to sit in while listening to my children, and that I didn’t have to sit in a jail ironically named Liberty to listen. Now it is a beautiful visitor’s center. When I first visited there, it was a house and I had to climb down a ladder into that dark dungeon to see it, but God sheds light in many ways including in a jail.

So how does the Lord counsel parents to discipline; what is the formula? Here is how I break down the scripture. 1) Don’t try to maintain power or influence by using your parental authority…it can not work and ought not to be tried. Instead, use persuasion, long-suffering, gentleness, meekness, and love unfeigned [not pretended]; By kindness, and pure knowledge [God will help you find out what the problem is], which shall greatly enlarge the soul [you will receive an endowment of charity sufficient to righteously handle the problem] without hypocrisy [children follow your example – good or bad.], and without guile [ulterior motives…look at me and the world give me praise! I am the perfect parent with the perfect child. See Johnny run and Susie dance…] 2) Reproving betimes [=immediately, no “Just you wait until you dad gets home!] 3) with sharpness [= clarity, children are not mind readers. They deserve a job description when given a task; and family rules and consequences should be known, understood and agreed upon in advance.] 4) When moved upon by the Holy Ghost [family life is so much better when you let God pick your battles. Far too many parents nit pick and complain about every little normal childish thing when they should be treasuring up the memories in their heart. I cringe at the words “terrible twos” – I loved them. And teenagers are wonderful – to bad those years don’t last longer.] 5) And then showing forth afterwards an increase of love toward him whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy; that he may know that thy faithfulness is stronger than the cords of death [Relationships are eternal; I treasure my children and they know it. I would gladly die for my children or grandchildren if it were ever necessary to save them…seriously! Because they know it, they take me seriously and treasure the things that I treasure, have faith in the things that I have faith in.] D&C121:41-44.

The Lord has made some promises to grateful, obedient parents. Yes, it is true that our children have their agency and perhaps take a vacation on a path that we wish they not trod, but righteous parents whose children are sealed to them have promises beyond our comprehension. Ben, since Heather left for England and I am flying solo, I have had a very unexpected surprise. I have found out that God says “Thank you, thank you, thank you!” There is an endowment of love that is given to righteous parents for a job well done. It is an endowment of His love for me [and for them.]

My advice is discipline with a grateful heart using your ears, your heart, and inspiration. God knows what is best for His children.

One last addendum: Ben, perfect parents don’t get perfect results, if so there would not be Satan.

Good comments. And while I realize that good parents can have rotten children (rotten in the sense that their choices are rotten, not that the children themselves are worth any less), taking Lehi and Laman/Lemuel as the perennial example, or Adam and Cain, or even Heavenly Father and Lucifer, as you noted. It’s that darn agency thing. ;) But even so, it’s my job to become the best parent I can, so that I can report to the Lord that I did all I could. That’s what matters. If I did, then I can lay claim to those promises (the tendrils reaching out, that sort of thing), but if I didn’t try hard to be a good parent, then I doubt the Lord will find my claim convincing.