Cruel and unusual punishment

It’s springtime, and riding in on the wind come allergies. But I’m not talking about the kind of allergies that tickle your sinuses. (Well, I am, I suppose, but bear with me.) Instead, I’m talking about an allergic reaction that makes me feel like someone’s taken a cheese grater or even a lawnmower to my brain.

Wedding receptions.

Understanding that most normal people are fine with them, and also realizing that it’s nice to go to friends’ receptions to share in their joy (translation: give them an expensive present), I find myself on the fringes, halfheartedly trying to take part but blown to smithereens each time. Actually, truth be told, I’ve been to six wedding receptions total (that I can think of; there may be one or two more so bad that my brain has permanently quarantined them away from my memory). Two were neighbors, and four were mission friends (two of which were roommates, one of which was a coworker).

I don’t know why I can’t handle receptions, but to me they really do feel like walking on molten gravel with shards of glass thrown in and, oh, heck, nails on a chalkboard for good measure. I’ve tried to get past the reaction, to attempt to act like a normal person and maybe even enjoy the receptions I’ve been to, but the whole time my subconscious is screaming, “LET ME OUT OF HERE!” and trying to move me away from the center of activity so I can covertly slip away into the real world. You could call it a panic or anxiety attack, if that makes it seem more legitimate to you. Whatever it is, though, it’s helped me spontaneously contract the bubonic plague (and even ebola a few times) just minutes before receptions begin. It’s given me tests the next day, deadlines, hospitalized grandparents, war erupting down the street, my home knocked out by Palestinian snipers — anything to avoid receptions.

When I get engaged, I’m going to sit down with my soon-to-be mother-in-law and have a nice heart-to-heart. “Wedding receptions are overrated, Mother,” I’ll say. “You get a bridal shower already — how about we just cancel the reception, save a bucketload of money, and paint a sixteen-by-sixteen foot square on the front lawn marked ‘Present Drop-Off Zone’ instead? Oh, and have I ever told you how absolutely beautiful you look in that dress? And your eyes! Exquisite.”

And yes, I know it won’t work, but I have to at least give it a try. Since there’ll undoubtedly be a reception, the next best thing is to send one of my clones (Ben #13 would be a good sport for things like this) and hope he doesn’t say anything out of place. Failing that, I could call 911 just before the reception starts — accidentally slip down the stairs or something. True, the hospital isn’t exactly the most romantic place to spend your wedding day, but standing in a line shaking hands with plastic smiles attached? Give me an IV, Doctor.

All the women in the room may now proceed to launch their poisoned darts. :P

When I get engaged, I’m going to sit down with my soon-to-be mother-in-law and have a nice heart-to-heart. “Wedding receptions are overrated, Mother,” I’ll say.

This raises another interesting question. What’s the policy on what to call your in-laws? Mom and dad? Brother and Sister X? First name basis?

To the topic of your post, I wholeheartedly agree. I don’t want a reception at all. Luckily, the girl I’m dating doesn’t really care for them, either. My problem with them is that there often is far too much emphasis placed on the reception, instead of the actual ceremony of the sealing/wedding. I’m all about having a nice dinner with family and very close friends, and perhaps an open house after the honeymoon.

Not all receptions are like funeral lines, seems like a Utah tradition :0 Be creative, enjoy the well wishers, mix, mingle, and dance.

I am not for large expensive reception either. I went to Chicago for my catholic nephew’s wedding, and they spent $6K on the photography, that was nuts.

We know a couple that got engaged and then sealed/married 6 days later. Had a reception openhouse a month after their honeymoon.

Connor,

You don’t really have to worry about what to call your mother-in-law if you do it right. I have a deep profound love and respect for my sons-in-law and my daughters-in-law. I can talk intimately to all of them. Read Love Notes for the Journey http://dawndrium.wordpress.com. I talk that way to all of my children and their spouses so why would it be awkward for them to call me mom? I would not want one of my children to be married to someone who was uncomfortable with love talk. I would think that it is a sign that they are immature and can’t handle intamacy. I think that love talk in families is a very important part of communication. And anyway, as soon as you have a baby everyone gets a name change anyway. There’s grandpa, grandma, mommy, and daddy and everything works out just fine so just have lots of children quickly…problem solved.

Ben,

This is hilarious. I laughed all the way through it. Thank you so much!

Weddings and receptions can be a nightmare or they can be very wonderful depending on who is in charge. With my children I have experienced both. One of my daughter’s mother-in-law tried to be the bride. Ugh!!! The contrasts were so great that my last daughter has some definite ideas about what should be done and what should be done away with when it is her turn and she has made her preferences very well known to everyone; there is a list:

1) No bride’s maids except all the nieces and little sisters if he has any. They can have pastel princesses dresses in the color of their choice and run around in the garden and have a ball playing and entertaining the guests.
2) No groomsmen except all the little nephews and little brothers if there are any. They can all have dress shirts and pants with pockets to fill up with treasures. And, they can run around the garden and have a ball keeping the guests entertained.
3) No wedding line up. Let the parents socialize with the guests. Or in my case, I will be taking photographs of every guest that comes as I introduce myself to them.
4) No cake in the face – respect and decorum are still in order.
5) No taking her garter off with his teeth and throwing it to his buddies – reverence, respect and decorum are still in order.
6) No registering for gifts – it is kind of tacky and she has almost everything except the grandma quilts and other family heirlooms anyway.
7) Make it early afternoon in someone’s backyard with light refreshments and make it time ended.
8) Keep it cheap.
9) The garden part may need to be modified to lawn or library depending on the location and the season. (There is a neat room on the top floor of the old part of the Provo library if it happens here in the winter.)

Anyway, I wonder why drag things on and on with all the hoopla? Why not let the friends and families meet and say congratulations and let the couple have a short nice day and get on with life?

But Ben, unfortunately for you, as I have heard my daughter’s friends talk about their lists, I have discovered that most young women have a definite list of ideas about their special day so grin and bare it when it is your turn. I asked my one daughter why she was putting up with the soon to be mother-in-law’s antics and she simply stated, “I not married yet. And soon she will be my mother.”

Interestingly enough, I tried my best to not have a reception at all for my wedding - it was the mother’s and my husband that really made me do it. And, to my shock, it was a very pleasant experience. It’s amazing to get to see all the people that have supported either you or your family in some way. My mom talked me into it by saying the receptions weren’t just for the bride and groom, but for the parents as well. I do agree with an above post, however - don’t do a formal wedding line! Make it really casual, just like a family party or something. And eat your food first before anyone else gets there, otherwise it will be gone by the time you get to it :) And enjoy - you only get your own once (it’s the only time you don’t have to stay and help clean up!)

I personally like receptions because of the dancing. I think that’s the best part. People don’t go dancing anymore.

Ben, maybe you can talk your fiancee into eloping. Or do like my parents…it was both of their second marriages, so they just had a small luncheon right after the ceremony, just family.

As for me, I’m leaving most of it up to my mom. I believe that the reception is traditionally the bride’s mother’s jurisdiction, and I agree with Liz, a lot of it is for the parents’ benefit. And I suppose I will have a cake no matter what, most likely provided by the wedding cake bakery (owned by a former seminary teacher) that I’ve been working at during the summers :)

Poison darts? I don’t think you give us enough credit. Women don’t ALWAYS have to lose their tempers at your silly mannishness.

And, above all else, it’s the marriage, not the wedding, that counts.

Well I might as well say I am J’s daughter, and the one who had the horrible experience with my reception. My husband’s mother isn’t a member of the church. So I had my wedding that morning at the temple, then a nice luncheon afterwords for all my husbands father’s friends who wouldn’t be able to make the reception, as well as anyone else who wanted to come. It was nice & relaxed and I enjoyed it. Infact I would have given my right arm, right eye and first child not to have to go to the reception that night myself.

The reception had to start with a ring exchange for his mother since she couldn’t attend the wedding. Our bishop handled this extremely well as she wanted a second cerimony so she could go. Then we had to stand in the line at her seleceted reception hall and when my sister went to get me food, the caterer for the center asked her why she needed to get the bride some food.

My husband’s mother while I love her over 7 years after the experience, made my wedding day much more complicated than it needed to be.

My advice to you honestly is to have a backyard BBQ and hang out with your friends & family. The best wedding reception I ever went to was one of my dear husband’s step-sister’s where she had a Luau (sp). It started at 6 and ended at 8 and if you wanted to hang out in her mom’s backyard after that was fine, but she was leaving at 8. Skip the reception centers, the greeting lines, and do your bride a favor and don’t shove cake in her face.

Oh and if it makes you feel any better, I avoid wedding receptions like the plague too.

I wholeheartedly agree Ben. Receptions, to me, are a gimmick and a facade. Really, they are for the parents anyway. I can well imagine the comments made at ‘my reception’ (should I ever have one…which I would not like) following the trend of, “I remember when you were born.”

Fantastic. I don’t. Maybe we can spend the next five minutes of everyone’s life with you telling me about it. *sigh*

My problem though is that the entire female culture surrounding weddings bothers me. I HATE wedding showers. I hate the obligations surrounding them. I hate the stupid games you must play.

However, a solution (and I find a wonderful one at that) has been found. A beautiful compromise known as an open house. I like to think of it as Where’s Waldo? meets a wedding (which only adds to the appeal). Just imagine yourself lost in the crowd and anyone that you really want to find you, should be able to because they are close friends. Whereas the long lost second cousin of your mother-in-law can only remember you as you looked as an infant and so has such difficulties in finding you. Oh, and she forgot to bring the engagement picture you slipped in the invitation. Or did you send one to her? *devious grin*

Connor: It does feel kind of weird now to think of calling my mother-in-law Mom, but since my wife and I will become one, Mom and Dad seem appropriate. At least logically; we’ll see how the reality pans out. :) I agree that there’s too much emphasis on the stuff that doesn’t matter eternally. People tend to do that a lot. :)

Donna: LOL, yes, funeral lines are a good image. Spending lots of money on a wedding seems silly, really; sure, it’s a hugely important event, but wouldn’t it be wiser to save most of that money and put it into a house, or other similarly useful things? My wife and I are going to be scrimping enough as it is — why not make things a little easier? (Not to mean that I want to avoid scrimping, by the way. That’s part of the growth I’m so looking forward to, and I’d much rather be poor than rich, at least starting out.)

J: Short is very, very good. :) I realize that a lot of young women have strong ideas about this, as do their mothers. Good thing I’m not marrying a lot of young women (or a lot of Young Women, for that matter). :P I have a strong feeling that my wife is going to be the type who won’t care much for a reception. I mean, I don’t know who she is yet, but I’m almost sure that the kind of girl I’ll end up marrying won’t be into that sort of thing. If she were, I probably wouldn’t be interested in marrying her, really. (I hereby reserve the right to be wrong. :))

Liz: Yes, it’s definitely for the parents. That’s why I’m crossing my fingers, hoping against hope that somehow I’ll end up with a mother-in-law who feels the same way I do. :P

Haley: Okay, I’ll grant that there should be more dancing in today’s society. But with the caveat that it’s real dancing, not the drugged-up disco-style flailing about that seems to characterize most of the dances I’ve been to. (Well, the fast dances.) I yearn for a return to the old-school classical-music dances like those in Anne of Green Gables. If dances were like that, I’d go. But they’re not, so I have little interest.

When my roommate got engaged, his parents gave him a cantaloupe. Think about it.

Hold on, I didn’t say that you women would have to lose your tempers; it’s entirely possible for many of you to coolly shoot the poison darts out without breaking a sweat. :P

Liadan: I’m glad I’m not the only one. :) I’m all for having a low-key wedding day, something so simple that it lets the beauty of the occasion shine through instead of wrapping it all up with red tape (or white tape, I suppose). Stress should be avoided whenever possible. :)

Mali-Wan: My own parents would be fine with a wedding sans reception, so it’ll mainly be up to the in-laws. But even if they do insist on having a reception, I won’t let it scar our relationship — while the stereotype is for people to loathe their in-laws, I desperately hope that won’t be the case with me and mine, and I intend to do whatever it takes to create a healthy, loving relationship between us.

And I’m so glad I’m not a girl. I would never be able to do bridal showers and baby showers and shopping and pink and all of that.

And I’m so glad I’m not a girl.

Hear, hear! :)

Sure. Rub it in.

Alas, I never meant to imply that I plan on hating my in-laws. In fact, I rather hope I get along with my in-laws. The more the merrier, you know.

Chances are, my side will actually be the one that demands a reception (though my Dad has offered me money to NOT have one). My mom will certainly want one, particularly since I am ‘the baby.’ Man I hate that term.

I would much rather elope.

This is an interesting topic that it would be easy to discuss. I have ideas about what I want in a wedding reception, but I don’t think I’ll really know for sure until the time comes. So I’ll just share a funny story I once heard at a wedding reception.

A distant realative of mine (don’t remember who) had an identical twin. At his reception, he was standing in line and really needed to go to the bathroom. His twin brother stepped in while he was gone and nobody was ever the wiser.

So, Ben, if only you had a twin brother, all your problems could be solved.

Wedding receptions don’t have to be awkward, stressful, nightmarish events. It all depends on how you go about it. It can be done in a way to suit the bride and groom. As has been mentioned, there are a lot of options. I personally like the idea of a small luncheon/dinner shortly after the ceremony with just close family and friends, and maybe an open house later.

Don’t discount receptions, though. They’re an important social and cultural institution. When a couple gets married, it’s not just a union between two individuals. The families of the bride and groom as well as the community are invested in the marriage. The reception allows the community and family members to show public support of the marriage and to unify around the new couple. It’s a very important symbol. So, while you can think that the reception is “for the parents,” I don’t think that’s a negative thing. I think of how much closer my family and the families of my sisters-in-law got through helping with the receptions, and I’m convinced that there’s a very important sociological purpose to these events. But, that may just be my inner anthropologist coming out.

I also think that planning a reception can be a strong deterrent for divorce. Honestly, after going through all of that hassle, I know I’d think twice about making it all for naught. :-)

That said, I’m dubious about bridal showers, but that’s probably because I’ve been to far too many where the conversation took a turn that made me blush. Mind you, I’ll have frank discussions about pretty much any subject with close friends. But with random strangers at a bridal shower? Some people have no sense of propriety.

The smashing-wedding-cake-in-the-face thing is definitely something that should be banned from receptions. It’s not respectful and it’s humiliating. Why on earth would someone want to do something disrespectful and humiliating to one’s brand new spouse on one’s wedding day? Not exactly establishing a good precedent.

Funny, Ben, my roommates and I presented a cantaloupe to my other roommate after she got engaged. I thought we were being original, but I guess I should have known better. :-)

Oh, by the way, in my family, we’ve had bridal showers and baby showers with men in the family in attendance. It’s much more fun that way. The men get to be involved, and the women don’t get as silly. I quite enjoyed it. I suppose in some ways it defeats the purpose of showers (i.e. to socialize the women into their role as wife/mother and to disseminate communal feminine wisdom to the soon-to-be wife/mother), but it’s an option most people don’t seem to think about.

Again, if a lot of comments are sought after, slamming wedding receptions are a great way to get them!
But I digress…I agree with you completely. I tried to convince my wife that we didn’t need a reception, but to no avail. She wanted to show me off to all her friends from back home. I think she also wanted to wallow in married-ness. But seriously, if I had it my way a wedding “reception” would consist of a story-tall forwarding address stuck to the side of a Stake Center.

Ben, if you do get stuck with the reception stress thing, pray that it will be in the Vietnamese tradition. They borrow thousands of dollars for the occasion. Then they have a reception with a catered dinner with six or more courses on the menu for 250 to 400 people with dancing afterwards. As the evening progresses, the parents of the bride and groom escort them to the head of each table and ring a glass, make a toast, and introduce the new couple to the guests at the table. As they do so, envelopes are passed to the bride. The envelopes have a minimum of $50.00 per head.

The couple makes a careful accounting of the money received and is expected to return it in kind if they are invited to a reception for a member of the contributing family. It gives the new couple start up money for a down payment on a house or to finish their education - and the food is wonderful. I rather enjoyed the reception that I went to. And the couple did too, especially when they were counting the cash.

That tradition is broader than Vietnamese, as that’s basically how it’s done in Thailand. At our reception in Thailand, my wife and I had a nine-course meal, 350 guests, and made a profit. :)

Mali-Wan: LOL, I didn’t mean to imply that you’re scheming to loathe your in-laws, though I did realize as I was responding that it would probably come across that way. But I was planning on you saying that you didn’t mean it that way, and thus I would be able to write this comment to explain myself. ;)

Laura: I suppose it’s possible that I do have a twin brother, somehow separated at birth in the hospital and taken away down a side corridor to be sold to the Lebanese government, but I haven’t the slightest idea how I’d find him. ~sigh~ If I end up being forced to have a reception and have to go to the bathroom while standing in the line, I’m going to give my wife a “Husband Out of the Office” sign to hold until I get back.

Katherine: Darn, the last thing I needed was a sociological reason for receptions! (I say that because your argument is convincing, and I don’t want it to be. :P) I’m very, very glad I don’t have to go to bridal showers. Very. So while I can see the benefits of having the men involved, I certainly don’t plan to attend any. But then again, maybe there are guys out there who are fine with attending receptions and thus would be totally cool with bridal showers. And while I was vaguely aware of the wedding cake tradition, in none of my imaginings of my wedding day (of which there have only been one or two, come to think of it) has there been a wedding cake smashed in anyone’s face. Never even a possibility. I don’t see myself ever smashing anything into anyone’s face (pies, cakes, rotten tomatoes, you name it), for that matter.

James: It’s funny how it works that way. :)

J and Rikker: There’s some sociology there for you. :) If there’s got to be a reception, then I’m all for making it a full-on dinner. But maybe that’s just because I haven’t eaten breakfast yet and so food sounds really good right now. ;)