The business of mankind

[Editor’s note: I wrote this late yesterday afternoon, but my server was down all evening and so I couldn’t post it till now. Rather than rewrite the “today” references, I’ll just let it stand.]

Usually I eat a homemade lunch, but today I ended up at Subway because of time constraints. In front of me in line were a mother and her 12- or 13-year-old daughter, and my attention quickly became caught by the dynamics of their interactions. Not that I tend to eavesdrop, but…okay, well, I do. None of my business? I suppose so, except that “mankind is my business” (Marley’s probably rolling over in his grave) — I’m a writer, and observing people is what we do. It’s grist for the mill, fuel for the fire.

So anyway, at one point the mother apologized in front of her daughter for not hearing the Subway girl or something, and I could tell she was trying not to embarrass her daughter. Heaven knows I myself was embarrassed by my parents many a time in my pre-teen years. Their seemingly innocuous comments or easily excusable faux pas (how does one pluralize “faux pas,” I might ask?) would blossom on my cheeks as if I’d forgotten to put my pants on when I left the house that morning.

And in that moment, as I was asking the Subway girl to put lettuce and onions on my sandwich, I decided that I want to be a parent so cool that my children will never be embarrassed by me. Is it possible? I have no idea. But it’s my new goal. Granted, parenting is still a long way down the road for me, but I think now’s the best time to start preparing. (And by “cool” I probably ought to mention that I mean down-to-earth and solid, not worldly cool. No James Dean or the Fonz for me, thank you very much.)

I can’t wait to have children. I mean, I have to wait (social and religious restrictions and all), but I wish I could hurry up and get to that point in my life. I’m dying to be a father. But all things in their due time, and I guess I need to relish this season of singleness while I’ve got it, because it won’t last long. I’ve never been very good at that, though — as soon as I know something else is coming up around the corner, I’m trunky as all get out to move on to the next thing, whether it’s high school to college, college to mission, mission back to college, college to graduation, one job to another, one calling to another, or whatever. And singleness to marriage, and then marriage to kids. (And yes, I do understand that there’s a 9-month required waiting period on that last one. ;)) “You’ll be married for the rest of your life,” they say. Well, then, let’s get on with it! While being single is “okay,” it’s not my ideal state of existence, and the sooner I leave it, the happier I’ll be.

(And now I must pedal back to say that I am happy as I am, and that I’m not holding my happiness ransom to my marital status. My life is fulfilling. I’m blessed in many different ways, more than I could ask for, even. But all the same, the blessing I want is marriage and children. It’s a righteous desire — heck, it’s not like I’m lusting to raze Canada to the ground with a nuclear warhead or anything — and family life is essential to being complete, and yet it’s the one thing I can’t really do much about.)

(And now I have to explain that. This can be my onion skin/Russian doll post of the year. ;) Yes, there are things we can do to prepare for marriage — make ourselves as marriageable as we can, personal progress, that sort of thing, and then of course go on dates when the opportunities present themselves. (I’m not so much a fan of dating purely for the sake of dating. I find it mostly a waste of time, and there are so many more things I could be doing. But I realize I’m in the minority here. For me, an ideal evening is spent reading books. For others, they have to go out and do something. I don’t understand that. But then again, I don’t understand myself half the time, so I’m content to let things remain as they are.) When I’m interested in a girl, I ask her out. Always have, always will. At the moment I’m not really interested in anyone (there’s a little voice tapping on my internal shoulder right now asking, “Um, why are you blogging about this, Ben? Hello? Anyone home?”), and there’s nothing I can really do to conjure up a girl I’m interested in. Nothing that will guarantee results, at any rate; I could go to parties (though I find myself strongly averse to parties, and I don’t know why) but chances are that I won’t find anyone I’m interested in. Looking back over my past, the times I’ve met girls I’ve been interested in were completely out of my control. One time the girl came to the lab I was working in. Another time, the girl showed up at my apartment with a petition. And yet another time, I saw the girl in the lobby of the HFAC. Nothing I had any control over. Now, after the initial encounter there’s a lot I can do, of course, but it’s getting to that point that’s hard.)

And for some reason my lower body feels like it’s disappearing right now (falling asleep, maybe?), which is a peculiarly disturbing sensation, so I’m going to stop this overly long post and go eat some dinner. And read books for the rest of the evening. (And don’t even try the guilt trip about not going on a date. It won’t work on me. Ha! :P)

Wow, that certainly wasn’t what I expected to blog about. ~sigh~

I’m detecting a common theme in recent posts.. You seem to have marriage on the brain! ;)

Well, Ben, good luck on never embarrassing your kids. I found out that my kids–well, some of them anyway–were embarrassed because I would hum while shopping. What’s so bad about that? I’m a hummer. I don’t remember them telling me at the time. Now that they’re all grown, I find out these things!

Ben,

Embarrassing your kids is an art form. As a creative artist, you will be good at it. But, don’t worry, they will embarrass you back. I remember the time that my oldest son used the display toilet in Sears. With his pants around his ankles and the air painted blue, he yelled, “Look at me mommy, I’m a big boy.” The salesman that was helping me with a saw groaned and I figured that he was going to be the “lucky man.” I just blushed and wanted to say “Whose dumb kid is that?” but I claimed Kris anyway.

I just savored the experience in my heart until he was sixteen and made the mistake of taking me on a group date with some darling young cuties. When he told a story on me, I told that story on him. He turned as red as his hair, but the girls were charmed – girls are funny that way.

The threat of embarrassing your kids is also a great tool for disciplining your kids. I mean it doesn’t permanently change their behavior, but it is a great short term fix until you can get them out of the public eye. That’s why I have a hot pink cowgirl hat to match my grandma’s hot pink earrings. But that’s another story.

The down and dirty of it is that when your children catch on to the art of embarrassment, they are all too willing to join in the fun and help you out when you want to do in one of their siblings. It’s just a part of the “Humility Package for Humans” that the Lord sends along with each of his children. It’s proof that the Lord has a sense of humor:)

Connor: You make it sound like a disease. :P Actually, I think having marriage on the brain is the norm, but it’s taken me this long to lose enough inhibitions that I could blog about it. ;)

Shirley: Thanks, and I do realize it’s somewhat of a Herculean effort. Right now it’s easy, though, because all of my kids are hypothetical constructs, figments of my imagination, and as such I can have them act however I want. ;)

J: You know, I think the hot pink cowgirl hat would embarrass me now. :)

From my experience, having marriage on the brain is the norm in Utah, certainly, and to a greater or lesser degree, the rest of the LDS community. I think that the general trend in the United States these days is towards marrying later, at least on certain social strata.

I think there is also a strong correlation in the U.S. and in the rest of the developed world that I’ve been exposed to that the better the economic status, the slower people marry. This is easily explained, of course, because women can afford to (or are expected to, or both) get not just a college education, but often advanced degrees, which frequently take the better part of one’s 20s or into one’s 30s. The LDS Church is a bit anomalous here, because they don’t see higher education and marriage as two as mutually exclusive things, but most people outside the church still do.

On top of that is there is the frequently held notion that marriage is something to be held off until one has had one’s share of fulfilling life experiences which marriage is seen as being a damper upon, such as your backpacking across Europes, and your teaching English in a third world countries, or your run-of-the-mill sowing of the wild oats, drinking too much and getting as many notches on one’s bedposts as possible. On the bright side, while in much of the U.S. casual/social sex has become so ubiquitous, there’s something to be said for the fact that at least it’s still generally seen as something to be gotten out of one’s system before marriage, and monogamy in a relationship is still the social norm. We may see movies and shows (and even music) with themes of infidelity up the wazoo, but even in dating relationships, it’s still very much frowned upon by society.

Wow. This stream-of-consciousness comment isn’t taking me where I thought it would. But those are my thoughts from the outside world; i.e. outside Utah, outside the United States, outside the Western, Christian-dominated world. Looking in. Oops, look out, here comes more.

For what it’s worth, the marriage-centric view is preached in the small LDS sphere in Thailand (where I currently live), too, but it’s still not uncommon to marry after 30 even among members. Heck, many faithful members are still single into their 40s and 50s, not for lack of desire, but for lack of prospects. Here it is even more of a stark contrast from the rest of the society than is the case in the U.S., because the number of active Church members is approximately 1/200th of 1% (or 0.00005), and the number of Christians in total is 1/2 of 1% (or 0.005). The poor marry young, and the very poor marry very young (mostly for economic reasons–parents get a dowry, and they don’t have to support the child anymore). But for those who can afford an education, and particularly those who can afford to get advanced degrees–both domestically and internationally–marriage is a strictly 30-and-up venture, purely by social habit. In general people of this social strata seem to reach emotional and social maturity around 30, and it is not uncommon for a professional in their mid-30s to be single and living at home with mom and dad. The West is influencing this idea, but the idea of leaving the nest as a necessary step toward adulthood is generally absent from society, so it creates an interesting breed of semi-adult.

It’s interesting to consider the differences between social norms in this respect. Here’s a scenario for thought, of one of my wife’s best friends from college: He is married, 33, his wife is 30; they are both working professionals holding Master’s degrees, living at home with his parents. Also living there are his older brother, his older brother’s wife, and their young child. Not a source of tension between the parents and the children. Not an uncommon scenario.

I think it’s fascinating to look at these differences. Of course, I have my personal opinions about them, but in this case I’m relating them without giving value judgments. :P

“You know, I think the hot pink cowgirl hat would embarrass me now.”

Ben that is exactly the point! Because all of your kids are hypothetical constructs, figments of your imagination (actually they are in Heaven watching you write this blog), it is hard for you to imagine wearing a hot pink cowgirl hat to fetch a child, but I guarantee you that you would personally wear it in the same circumstance if it meant stopping a behavior that could have cost your child their life. (And, God thought of it…I’m sure that I never would have because it embarrassed me too.) I also imagine that you would tell a story that would embarrass your child if it served a righteous purpose. When I talk about using embarrassment as an art form, please know that when embarrassment was used, it was used with inspiration and gentle loving humor, not with maliciousness.

I am glad that Shirley’s children didn’t mention her humming if it would have made her stop. There is nothing wrong with humming. Sometimes embarrassing experiences serve to help you mature, or to learn to control your own behavior instead of someone else’s. Sometimes embarrassing experiences serve to teach correct principles that, when applied, will save a person from some very negative consequences like co-dependant behaviors. You would be amazed and sickened at how many children suffer from horrible abuse because an irresponsible adult is not willing to be embarrassed by another.

When I wrote, “It’s just a part of the “Humility Package for Humans” that the Lord sends along with each of his children. It’s proof that the Lord has a sense of humor.” I would like you to know that it is also proof of his love. It takes a lot of courage to be a good parent.

Rikker: Aye, there are huge differences not only between LDS culture and the U.S. at large, but also between the U.S. and other nations. Here, the idea of living at home with one’s parents past a certain age (25 or 26, perhaps?) is a sign of something gone wrong. I remember reading a newspaper article on the matter a few months ago, proclaiming the problem of 30 guys who graduate from college and then move back home, purportedly leeching off their parents. Free rent, free food, free laundry, you name it. I’m certainly a product of this culture, which is why I moved out shortly after my mission, and I can’t really see myself ever moving back. I’m supposed to be a man, autonomous, able to sustain not only myself but also my future family. And if I flee back to the nest, isn’t that the same as abandoning my manly duty?

But of course it’s not that way elsewhere in the world. Extended families live together quite often. Children don’t leave home until they get married, however old they are. Whereas here, out of the nest we go as soon as we’re 18 or 19. I don’t know which way is better. I suspect both have their value.

J: Well, being a guy, I certainly don’t plan on ever wearing a hot pink cowgirl hat, even if I do need to embarrass my children. :) No, really, I think there’s a difference between embarrassing your child on purpose for behavioral control and embarrassing your child because your child sees everything as embarrassing. The former is fine; the latter is to be avoided if at all possible. And while I don’t have any idea how to go about doing that, it’s my goal. :)

It’s a lofty goal Ben :)

To dream the impossible dream… :)

“Faux pas” is both the singular and plural form.

Thanks, Portia. :)