But of course it’s not that way elsewhere in the world. Extended families live together quite often. Children don’t leave home until they get married, however old they are. Whereas here, out of the nest we go as soon as we’re 18 or 19. I don’t know which way is better. I suspect both have their value.

J: Well, being a guy, I certainly don’t plan on ever wearing a hot pink cowgirl hat, even if I do need to embarrass my children. :) No, really, I think there’s a difference between embarrassing your child on purpose for behavioral control and embarrassing your child because your child sees everything as embarrassing. The former is fine; the latter is to be avoided if at all possible. And while I don’t have any idea how to go about doing that, it’s my goal. :)

Ben that is exactly the point! Because all of your kids are hypothetical constructs, figments of your imagination (actually they are in Heaven watching you write this blog), it is hard for you to imagine wearing a hot pink cowgirl hat to fetch a child, but I guarantee you that you would personally wear it in the same circumstance if it meant stopping a behavior that could have cost your child their life. (And, God thought of it…I’m sure that I never would have because it embarrassed me too.) I also imagine that you would tell a story that would embarrass your child if it served a righteous purpose. When I talk about using embarrassment as an art form, please know that when embarrassment was used, it was used with inspiration and gentle loving humor, not with maliciousness.

I am glad that Shirley’s children didn’t mention her humming if it would have made her stop. There is nothing wrong with humming. Sometimes embarrassing experiences serve to help you mature, or to learn to control your own behavior instead of someone else’s. Sometimes embarrassing experiences serve to teach correct principles that, when applied, will save a person from some very negative consequences like co-dependant behaviors. You would be amazed and sickened at how many children suffer from horrible abuse because an irresponsible adult is not willing to be embarrassed by another.

When I wrote, “It’s just a part of the “Humility Package for Humans” that the Lord sends along with each of his children. It’s proof that the Lord has a sense of humor.” I would like you to know that it is also proof of his love. It takes a lot of courage to be a good parent.

I think there is also a strong correlation in the U.S. and in the rest of the developed world that I’ve been exposed to that the better the economic status, the slower people marry. This is easily explained, of course, because women can afford to (or are expected to, or both) get not just a college education, but often advanced degrees, which frequently take the better part of one’s 20s or into one’s 30s. The LDS Church is a bit anomalous here, because they don’t see higher education and marriage as two as mutually exclusive things, but most people outside the church still do.

On top of that is there is the frequently held notion that marriage is something to be held off until one has had one’s share of fulfilling life experiences which marriage is seen as being a damper upon, such as your backpacking across Europes, and your teaching English in a third world countries, or your run-of-the-mill sowing of the wild oats, drinking too much and getting as many notches on one’s bedposts as possible. On the bright side, while in much of the U.S. casual/social sex has become so ubiquitous, there’s something to be said for the fact that at least it’s still generally seen as something to be gotten out of one’s system before marriage, and monogamy in a relationship is still the social norm. We may see movies and shows (and even music) with themes of infidelity up the wazoo, but even in dating relationships, it’s still very much frowned upon by society.

Wow. This stream-of-consciousness comment isn’t taking me where I thought it would. But those are my thoughts from the outside world; i.e. outside Utah, outside the United States, outside the Western, Christian-dominated world. Looking in. Oops, look out, here comes more.

For what it’s worth, the marriage-centric view is preached in the small LDS sphere in Thailand (where I currently live), too, but it’s still not uncommon to marry after 30 even among members. Heck, many faithful members are still single into their 40s and 50s, not for lack of desire, but for lack of prospects. Here it is even more of a stark contrast from the rest of the society than is the case in the U.S., because the number of active Church members is approximately 1/200th of 1% (or 0.00005), and the number of Christians in total is 1/2 of 1% (or 0.005). The poor marry young, and the very poor marry very young (mostly for economic reasons–parents get a dowry, and they don’t have to support the child anymore). But for those who can afford an education, and particularly those who can afford to get advanced degrees–both domestically and internationally–marriage is a strictly 30-and-up venture, purely by social habit. In general people of this social strata seem to reach emotional and social maturity around 30, and it is not uncommon for a professional in their mid-30s to be single and living at home with mom and dad. The West is influencing this idea, but the idea of leaving the nest as a necessary step toward adulthood is generally absent from society, so it creates an interesting breed of semi-adult.

It’s interesting to consider the differences between social norms in this respect. Here’s a scenario for thought, of one of my wife’s best friends from college: He is married, 33, his wife is 30; they are both working professionals holding Master’s degrees, living at home with his parents. Also living there are his older brother, his older brother’s wife, and their young child. Not a source of tension between the parents and the children. Not an uncommon scenario.

I think it’s fascinating to look at these differences. Of course, I have my personal opinions about them, but in this case I’m relating them without giving value judgments. :P

Shirley: Thanks, and I do realize it’s somewhat of a Herculean effort. Right now it’s easy, though, because all of my kids are hypothetical constructs, figments of my imagination, and as such I can have them act however I want. ;)

J: You know, I think the hot pink cowgirl hat would embarrass me now. :)

Embarrassing your kids is an art form. As a creative artist, you will be good at it. But, don’t worry, they will embarrass you back. I remember the time that my oldest son used the display toilet in Sears. With his pants around his ankles and the air painted blue, he yelled, “Look at me mommy, I’m a big boy.” The salesman that was helping me with a saw groaned and I figured that he was going to be the “lucky man.” I just blushed and wanted to say “Whose dumb kid is that?” but I claimed Kris anyway.

I just savored the experience in my heart until he was sixteen and made the mistake of taking me on a group date with some darling young cuties. When he told a story on me, I told that story on him. He turned as red as his hair, but the girls were charmed – girls are funny that way.

The threat of embarrassing your kids is also a great tool for disciplining your kids. I mean it doesn’t permanently change their behavior, but it is a great short term fix until you can get them out of the public eye. That’s why I have a hot pink cowgirl hat to match my grandma’s hot pink earrings. But that’s another story.

The down and dirty of it is that when your children catch on to the art of embarrassment, they are all too willing to join in the fun and help you out when you want to do in one of their siblings. It’s just a part of the “Humility Package for Humans” that the Lord sends along with each of his children. It’s proof that the Lord has a sense of humor:)