One step at a time

I’ve noticed in the last year or so that whenever I find a girl attractive, almost always there’s an accompanying ring on her finger. This means I’m either only attracted to married women (which obviously presents a problem :)), or there’s something about them that I happen to find very attractive.

Since I do find myself attracted to single girls as well (phew!), I’m led to believe that it’s the latter. But what is it? When girls marry, they become different, in noticeable ways — they often tend to dress differently (more like grown women and less like girls), they carry themselves in a more mature manner, etc. — they exhude weddedness. Seriously. I’ve found that I can very often tell when a girl is married, even before I see the ring. (Not always, of course, but it’s happening often enough that I’ve noticed it.)

Now, whatever this “weddedness” is, it’s quite attractive. It’s wifeness, motherness, and that’s precisely what I want. (And I hope to develop the mirror image of it — husbandness, fatherness — in myself.) I look for it in girls I date.

And you know what? It’s rarely there. Sometimes there’s a glimmer, but rarely more than just a shadow. At first I despaired, because it was something I wanted so badly — and it felt so right and so good, so surely it wasn’t an unrighteous desire — and yet none of the girls I went out with were like that. Only the married girls, and they’re already taken. Since then, however, my eyes have been opened.

You see, there’s an anecdote floating around about Pres. Packer (or Pres. Kimball; perhaps it happened to both). As the story goes, a young lady said to Sister Packer, “I want to marry someone like President Packer.” Sister Packer then replied, “Honey, he wasn’t President Packer when I married him.”

It’s a liberating thought, really. We all want perfection, of course, and we see married couples who reflect the ideals we want, but we easily forget how long it took for them to get there. (The same thing applies for young college students wanting to have the same luxuries their parents do, without realizing it took decades of saving. Thus the avalanche of consumer debt.) We can’t compare people with 30-50 years of marriage behind them (or even five or ten) to the singles we associate with. Apples and oranges.

This doesn’t mean we should settle, of course. But it’s very important, I think, to keep in mind that growth is part of the process. We have to take that into account, recognizing that it’s okay if our significant other isn’t completely perfect yet. Some things take time. The alternative is to spend forever seeking out our chimera, and heaven knows how fruitful that will be.

While we should clearly keep in mind that growth is part of the process, I think that that thought itself sometimes leads to settling. I’ve been amazed to find in my current girlfriend every quality I have ever needed, wanted, and then some. It’s literally as if Heavenly Father was taking notes during all my dating experiences to find out what I need in a significant other, and then created Jody. What’s even more interesting is that she feels the same about me—that I was created for her.

So, it does happen. I firmly believe that there are people out there that can fulfill every item on your Cinderella/Prince Charming list. The hard part is having the patience to find them, and the willingness to let the Lord guide you to them.

That being said, I don’t think that it will work for everybody, all of the time. Perhaps I’m just blessed, I don’t know. But I do know that it does happen, and that settling will generally result in unhappiness. That doesn’t sound like a fun eternity…

Chimera Ben? I think I’ve put my finger on your problem. According to Webster you might be looking for a fire-breathing she-monster from Greek mythology having a lion’s head, a goat’s body, and a serpent’s tail…that would almost definitely be an unrealizable dream. But if that’s what you want, I certainly would advise you not to settle for less or you would surely make someone a very miserable husband.

I have a friend whose husband’s proposal to her went something like this: “The girls that I’m interested in are not interested in me so I guess I will have to settle for less…will you marry me?” They have had a very miserable life together.

That being said, I can tell you that if you truly love someone, they will be beautiful to you, and if someone is not beautiful to you, you don’t love them. Anyway Connor is right, you shouldn’t settle and in the due time of the Lord, the right person wil be there for you. And Connor, it is my understanding that everyone will be beautiful in eternity.

Ben,
I have thought about this post all night. I don’t think that you can attribute the glow or weddiness to growth. I think it has to do with being loved.

In the scriptures it is observed that a person’s countenance testifies for or against them. When one enters the temple, or a woman is pregnant they have a noticeable glow about them. Their aura is different. I believe this is because of love. Have you ever observed the countenance of couples in distressed relationships? Their countenances testify of the trouble. Likewise, a couple that is engaged or newly wed has a certain glow. It is a glow that testifies of the inner wealth of a spirit truly loved.

If any man or woman wants to partner with someone that has the countenance of the loved, let that person first love and then the countenance of the loved will become different in noticeable ways. This is not only important to the couple involved, but children pick up on it, they are very perceptive that way. If a father doesn’t fully love the mother and is ashamed, the child will either parrot the father’s attitude or the mother’s feelings of despair. And, if the mother has feelings of discord towards her husband, the child will pick up on that too. You can tell the health of family relationships because “their countenance doth testify against them” or for them which ever the case may be.

When one enters the temple, or a woman is pregnant they have a noticeable glow about them. Their aura is different. I believe this is because of love.

You know, J, I think you nailed it on the head. I hadn’t thought of so simple an answer, but it makes perfect sense. I’ve often felt much like Ben has, in that I saw a rare type of attractiveness in married or pregnant women, and never really understood why.

And now I know. They were loved.

I don’t think that it’s solely because they are loved: it is also, in very large part, because they love–and sacrifice–also.

Ben,
May I? You don’t know me, but I’d like to toss in a thought or two from the perspective of one who has been married a while. (Our tenth anniversary is this summer!)
There are fluctuations in any relationship. When I met my husband, I was hugely attracted to him. On our first date, I was not impressed with him at all. Not long after that, we were engaged and blissfully in love. Then he suggested that his father MAKE me a ring and I thought he was crazy. I could go on and on with examples of difficulties we’ve had and conversely, the most beautiful moments of my life. While we loved those first magical months, we both say how glad we are that we’re here, ten years later. Both my husband and I were very childish in our skills, even though we loved each other very much. I believed that my husband was made for me when we got married, but I had no concept of the truth of that. It’s painful sometimes to realize that each of us has weaknesses and imperfections, and that includes those we love. I believe that marriage is the most perfecting, refining process that we have. I have strengths that my husband lacks and he has so many attributes that I want. We help each other. So yes, there is something there about happily marrieds, and I think that in addition to being loved, it’s because of the polishing that occurs with sheer hard work.

Don’t you know all the cute ones get snatched up first? You better get crackin’! Seriously though you are absolutely right about settling. If you aren’t sure that you want to marry someone, then don’t marry them. You’ll know when (and if) you want marriage.

FYI, the pregnant glow has a biological basis. In pregnancy, blood volume increases by 50 percent and glands secrete extra oil. The result is a shiny-blushing effect…it appears as a “glow.”

As for married women at BYU, I think we all know why they’re glowing (wink wink).

Connor: I’m glad to hear that. :)

J: Oh, heavens, I couldn’t settle for less. I’m a romantic, after all — an idealistic, head-in-the-clouds, sappy-chick-flick-watching romantic who has a pretty clear idea of what he wants but who writes posts like this to quiet all those people who keep saying he’s too picky. ;)

J, Connor, and Anna: Very nice! I think that really is it — they love and are loved. (Women: do married men have this kind of a glow, or is it purely feminine? Just curious.)

Emily: Mmm, I’m very much looking forward to that polishing. Thanks for your comments. :)

Ali: LOL, sometimes it feels that way. That biological basis for the pregnant glow is rather interesting. It doesn’t invalidate the love-and-loved hypothesis, of course, but merely supplements it for even more of a glow. :)

Yes, Ben, men do glow but I think a little differently because of their dual stewardships. First they have the romantic based glow and it is especially noticeable with the engaged, newly weds, and new dads. Do a sealing session and watch a young man and his wife. Watch a new father bless his baby.

Then there is the stewardship glow. With this, men have a look of gentle confidence and their features soften. Their eyes sparkle and their touch is warm. They exude love, but it is the love of God rather than a romantic love. My spirit can see it and feel it in the temple, or when I get a blessing. Missionaries also have a noticeable glow.

There were two times that I saw and felt the stewardship glow very deeply. The first occasion was in the temple in a sealing session. The officiator embarrassed me and I burst into tears and just sobbed. He thought I was married to the man I was paired with. (I had taken off work early that day to go to the temple because I felt really down because I didn’t think I would ever be loveable to a man.) After the session, the man took me and sat me down and had a long talk with me. While he was talking, he glowed. I knew that I was having a talk with the Lord through him and he comforted me and set me straight.

The other time I saw and felt it deeply was when a doctor was going to operate on my eye. I was very fearful, but when the doctor ran his hand through my hair and started to comfort me as I was lying on the operating table, he took on a glow and I felt a special peace.

So I think Anna also hit the nail on the head when she observed the sacrifice part. It goes with stewardship and service.

Hmm, that’s interesting — I’d noticed the stewardship glow but really hadn’t consciously recognized it. It’s something to seek after. :) (Though I’m thinking it’s more a gift of God than anything else.)