Ask and ye shall receive

Rainy days are great for writing blog posts. :) (Well, until the power goes out.)

So, the other day I was talking with a couple of friends, and the conversation shifted to faith and prayers. On the one hand, we’re supposed to pray with faith. Ask, and ye shall receive. Nothing wavering. On the other hand, however, we’re supposed to say, “Thy will be done,” which means being willing to accept the Lord’s will even if it’s not at all what we were asking for. How do we reconcile the two?

Case study: I want to be married. (Sorry, I was trying to avoid bringing this up again on here, lest I appear to be marriage-hungry, but I guess the truth will out, eh. ;)) In prayer I ask the Lord to send a wife my way — not that I expect him to deliver her into my hands (ahem), or that I want him to do all the work, but it would be nice if he could maneuver things so the girl I end up marrying shows up on the scene sooner rather than later.

But I don’t actually know that it’s the Lord’s will for me to get married this year. Or next year. Or whenever. I have no idea, and it’s hard for me to ask in faith when I know very well that my marriage may not show up on the Lord’s planner until 2020. He may want me to wait, to learn patience and finances and a slew of other things that will make me a better husband.

So far I’ve been going off the prayer modeled by Christ in Gethsemane: “Here’s what I want, but nevertheless, thy will be done.” Did Christ have faith that the bitter cup would be removed from him? Or was his faith instead placed in the will of the Father? If so, then it looks like we have prayers of desire and prayers of faith, which may or may not overlap. (Insert Venn diagram. :))

I’m not entirely sure I’m satisfied with this answer, but it’s the best I can come up with so far. Thoughts? And let me add that I fully believe that the Lord’s will is what’s best for me, and I don’t want to go against it because I know I can’t be as happy that way. God trumps every time. My real question, I suppose, is this: should I even be praying for marriage? Perhaps my prayer needs to change from “Let me get married real quick now” to “Please help me prepare for marriage so that when the time is right, I’ll be ready, and please help me be really, really patient until that time comes, especially when I watch chick flicks and see happy couples and realize what I’m missing out on.” Or something like that. :)

P.S. It boggles my mind that some people actually don’t care about getting married. I really don’t understand it. Me, I’m on pins and needles. Everything in my life centers on it. And while I do realize that there is life outside of marriage, and that some of us will be single for most or even all of our life, I still feel drawn to marriage and family like a moth to light, like a magnet to the refrigerator. :)

Woooh, hard question. And I’d love to pretend that, as a married person, i have great insights, but alas, I have none. Of course, when you get married at 19, you don’t have much time to start getting too marriage hungry.

(Cross-posted on my blog, of course)

Woah, I’m totally freaked out by this post. Not because you’re marriage hungry (honestly, anyone who’s been reading your blog for more than a month would know that) but because I had this exact conversation on the tube (read: subway) with my study abroad group after seeing the play A Matter of Life and Death at the National Theatre. (Yes, you should be jealous. Excellent play.) Anyway, it was the same conversation–minus some of the marriage bits–which wouldn’t be so weird except that I also pulled out Christ’s prayer in the garden as an example of how we can pray for things we want and still pray in faith. Creepy. Maybe we’ve been reading each other’s ideas too much, and our minds have started to work the same way. Gah!

But on a more serious note, I think that trying to simplify prayer down to one aspect is always too, well, simple. I try not to think so much about what I should be praying for and instead just use it as a chance to talk with God.

Let’s use the very apt metaphor of being out on a date. If you’re always thinking about what you should or shouldn’t be saying, it really undermines your ability to get closer to the other person. Everything feels contrived and second-guessed, and in the end, you end up with a relationship with your philosophy of what pleases the other person, not with the person themselves. Whereas if you simply speak your mind, you’ll get to know each other for who you are, not who you picture each other to be.

I’ve started to take the same approach with prayer. I don’t worry about how it’s changing me or how I should be praying. I simply talk with God as I would to anyone else about my day–what I thought about things, what I think I did well or not, what I wish had happened differently, what I’m worried about–and trust that by actually just talking with God it is changing me. And as far as I can tell, it’s working because I feel closer to God this way than I ever did when I was worrying about what I should be praying about.

This debate on prayer changing reality (or not) is much the same as the dilemma of omniscience and agency–very difficult to come to conclusions on, people have been arguing about it for centuries, yet the answer really has little impact on how you live your life. You must still continue to make choices, and in this case, we are commanded to pray. There are multitudes of different things we’re instructed to pray for; I find it hard to believe we can simplify them all down into one category. How about we just rely on the Spirit and our relationship with God to tell us what to pray about, hmm? Just talk. Really.

Ben - this is a very important topic, and a very good question.
To me, the trick comes when the Venn diagram of faith and the will of the Father overlap. The purpose of prayer is to align your will with the Father’s will, and then, only then, will your faith truly be complete. The magic of faith is that there is a power in faith - through faith anything is possible, and God grants men according to their desires. The only caveat is that if our desires are not God’s desires, then our desires that God grants us are not going to make us completely happy! Three things to remember: 1) in everything you do, try to reconcile your will with God’s will, 2) pray as if everything depended on God, 3) act as if everything depended on you. An oft quoted maxim, but true nonetheless. Now to address your case study. There are a multitude of girls that you could marry and be happy. Love is about choice and commitment, not about finding the “right” girl. I don’t know what sort of choices you are looking at right now, or what relationships you have already built, but even if there are no girls in your “dating pool” so to speak, having that perspective will help you look at courtship in a different light, and will make your choice easier. Remember, there is no “one” that God will throw your way. And, the more I read about your dating situation and marriage perspective, the more I think you should meet my friend Lisa! She’s an awesome girl!

PS Just so you know, chick flicks do not represent real-life accurately. I have been married for almost 3 years now, and I don’t ever remember my life being like a chick flick. I’m as happy as ever, and my wife and I have a wonderful relationship, but please don’t set chick flicks up to be the ideal you are striving for because they reflect a false sense of what relationships really are.

I guess you can’t have faith unless it’s a true thing you’re after, right?

Christ couldn’t have had faith that what He wanted (bitter cup to pass) would happen because he knew better.

Maybe “Thy will be done” is one of those catch-alls for us puny mortals as we attempt to exercise our faith. “Hey, Lord, this is what I’ve used my agency to deduce is best for me, but just in case I’m wrong, or in the event someone else’s agency comes into play, please lead me where I should go. Thanks.”

Magnet to the refrigerator…I like that.

Being in a similar mindset, I’ve discovered that in addition to having a mentality of “Thy will be done” and trusting in the Lord, there is a specific part of trust that must also exist: hope. You want it. You DO hope for it. Just keep that hope alive. Be happy with what you DO have, which is a great deal. And then think about this, something I’ve noticed about you: You have an incredible wealth of friends. That clearly is to your advantage. :)

Ben I had a very similar mindset and experiences as you in regards to marriage. The first truly intense and pleading prayer I said when I got home from my mission was that I might find a wife. I then got off my knees and went to work, dating at a frenzied pace in my search. I had many deep and heart felt prayers and many struggles wondering where the reply was as all my high school friends got married and most of them had children.

It was a very difficult time for me and I was profoundly lonely. I never stopped, however, pleading for the opportunity to find my wife. I must admit that my pace did slacken a bit in dating, but part of that was a change in me. I realized that I had not properly applied the Alma 32 principle to dating as I should. Finding a spouse is much like “experimenting upon the word.” When I realized this I was able to move from the realm of many first dates to a few deeper relationships.

Still, nothing truly happened until it was in the Lord’s time. Four years after my mission I met my wife and we were married soon after. I still have keen memories of the loneliness of my post-mission and pre-married state, but they only make my marriage sweeter.

The Lord has personally taught me over and over again that He takes care of things according to His timing. If we are asking for the wrong thing in prayer then he will always let us know (though rarely immediately). Marriage is God’s way so how could it be wrong to pray for it? What is wrong is to pray that it will happen according to your will, hence your new prayer “Please help me prepare for marriage so that when the time is right, I’ll be ready, and please help me be really, really patient until that time comes…” is right on.

Best of luck!

I just realized how terrible I made my pre-marriage state seem. I certainly was lonely, but had many unique opportunities during that time that I couldn’t have had in any other way. It truly was a great time of life! I probably would have enjoyed things even more if I had focused more on the blessings and less on my unfulfilled happiness.

To sum up Mali-Wan, live and enjoy now and hope for the future!

Ben,

I don’t remember which general authority was speaking to singles at a general conference, but he quoted this poem which has been a wonderful reminder to me that the only thing worse than being single is being married to the wrong person. It has helped me in times when I needed to do an attitude check and exercise patience and faith.

When fretted by this single life,
Which seems to be my lot,
I think of all the many men,
Whose wife, I’m glad I’m not.

When I divorced 20 years ago, I had a pretty good understanding that I would probably spend the rest of my life single. Getting it right the first time is worth the work, time and patience required. Believe me, I know.

Ben,

Don’t worry, you’re a great guy! You’ll find somebody! Although you could have made it easier on yourself by getting your MBA, JD, DDS, or MD. Library school? Where’s the $$$ in that? lol ;) Seriously, though, your future wife is lucky because there will be no end of interesting conversations! I don’t envy you the thrill of the hunt though. I found it somewhat exhausting myself.

MBA, JD, DDS, MD?

Harsh.

Janssen: Well, I’m glad I didn’t get married at 19 (you know, the whole mission thing :)), but I wouldn’t have minded buying a ring at 21. Sure, I’m learning a lot in the interim, and I guess that’s worth something, but I’d rather be learning and growing with a wife.

Liz: Back from the dead! :P No, really, praying by the Spirit is a very, very good way to go. It trumps everything else.

James: First off, don’t worry, I don’t think chick flicks represent reality. They’re just a symbol for relationships, not a particularly accurate one, just a general metaphor. I don’t really want a chick flick life — well, maybe in a few ways, but not completely. That three-point maxim is a good one.

And as for my case study, yes, there are a multitude of girls I could marry and build a successful celestial marriage with. That’s true. But I do believe that there’s a certain subset of girls with whom that would be easier. (Granted, I don’t know how to define that subset, but some girls are more perfect for me than others. And I’m more perfect for some girls than for others.) And while there isn’t any “one” girl in my way, there is just one who I’m going to marry (we’ll ignore all the edge cases of divorce and death and remarriage for now), and she’s the one I’m talking about. She, whoever she is, isn’t the only one I could marry, but she’s the one I’m going to marry. And incidentally, it’s funny how many readers of this blog have offered to set me up. :)

sixline: Good point. I suppose you can redefine your perspective so that you can have faith — for example, while I can’t have faith that I’ll get married this year, I can have faith that I’ll get married someday. (Based on my patriarchal blessing, I’m pretty sure it’ll be in this life, but either way, somewhere between now and eternity I’ll find a wife.)

Mali-Wan: We won’t go into all the ramifications of explaining why marriage is like a refrigerator. :) As for keeping that hope alive, I don’t think I could kill it even if I tried — this is what comes of being a hopeless romantic. (Hopeless not in the sense of not having any hope, of course. ;))

Duane: There’ve been times when I dated at a “frenzied pace,” but I’ve found that it didn’t really get me anywhere. But of course I still go on dates, because Elder Oaks’s talk would make me feel guilty if I didn’t. ;) (And I do enjoy being in the company of the fairer sex.) And sure, this season of solitude (er, I mean singleness :)) has its blessings, and we always tell the singles to enjoy it, but in all reality, marriage is where it’s at. :)

J: Okay, good point there. :) And this is why I try not to rush in where angels fear to tread.

Ali: LOL, at least I’ll know that my wife isn’t marrying me for my money. :P And I’ll consider my own self lucky to be having all those interesting conversations with my wife. That’s one of the most exciting facets of marriage, to me at least. I can’t wait. (Not that I don’t have interesting conversations elsewhere, of course — like here — but I’m sure that the closeness of being married will give conversations a depth hard to attain elsewhere. At least in theory.)

sixline: I should mention that Ali’s finishing up library school herself, to put things into context. :)

Ali,

Ouch! Ben, mind if I help you out here? Business men are always busy, many lawyers tend to be negative and you would never win an argument, on average, Dentists don’t live as long as the normal male population due to stress and Doctors are rarely home. A librarian with a Masters in library science has a good shot at a very comfortable income, but I guess that is a secret that Ben might be better off keeping to himself. After all, I doubt that he would want a wife that was marrying him for his money.

So Ali, you know the secret. I guess that Ben was responding as I was commenting. His response wasn’t there when I posted my comment. Congratulations on a good choice for a career.

LOL, got to love it when that happens. :) While being a librarian will of course mean less money than I could make otherwise (particularly as a computer programmer, since that’s the field I’ve been working in for the past ten years), the benefits far outweigh any of the downsides. It’s family-friendly, it’s on the lower end of the stress spectrum, it’s all about service, and it’s also all about knowledge and sharing it. I’m excited. :)

Ben,
You’ll make a great Librarian. The reason why is that not only will you have the know how, but you have the heart, and excitement that are vital to that call. You won’t just be able to help people find what they are looking for, but you will inspire them at the same time.

I’m just glad to hear I’m not the only one who thinks about marriage a lot. I should have known I wasn’t the only one, seeing how marriage is so important in LDS culture.

I see prayer as a tool, and faith as the means by which the tool works. And with any tool, you use it for a given purpose. And it sounds to my like you need to find out what Our Father’s will is for you, so you can find the answer he’s trying to give you; which is done in so many other ways other than prayer. I just did a talk on Sustaining Faith this past Sunday. It’s posted on my blog if you’d like to take a look. My point about spiritual tools might be helpful.

I don’t know if you have your patriarchal blessing, or if it talks about your marriage at all. Maybe your answer is there. Mine was. I got the “in due time,” you-will-get-what’s-coming-to-you answer. Which is enough for me… for now. It’s all a matter of perspective. Maybe you’ve been all muddled up about marriage BECAUSE there’s a specific girl you’re supposed to meet, and you haven’t found her yet because it isn’t the time in her life to meet you. I’d say just let the issue be, and you’ll know what to do when the time comes.

Isn’t that how it always works?

And if you really want something to pray about… try praying for her, whoever she might be. Who knows… maybe she needs that.

Julia: Thanks. :)

Paradox: Yup, I think about marriage almost every day. :) (But I hasten to add that I really don’t feel it to be an obsession. It might sound like one, I guess, but it’s of a totally different character. I know what obsessions are like. :P) Anyway, I suspect that Heavenly Father’s will is for me to be patient and perhaps learn how to manage my finances in the meantime. ;) I do like the idea that there’s a specific girl I’m supposed to meet — I don’t think it’s always that way (as Pres. Kimball has taught), but in a few cases it could certainly be true. And being a hopeless romantic, I like to believe that I’m one of those cases. :) At any rate, whether there’s a one-and-only or not, the fact remains that the girl I’m going to end up marrying is out there, and I think I haven’t yet met her. (I reserve the right to be wrong. And trying to figure out if I am is what gets me so muddled. ~sigh~) Oh, and I pray for her every night. :) (And I’ve been subscribed to your blog for a while, but I’ve been backlogged and haven’t gotten to Sunday’s post yet. But soon. :))

I read this quote tonight about prayer and I thought of this post and the comments. I forgot it was mainly about marriage, sorry to bring it back up?

Here is the quote by Karl G. Maeser, (found in the biography written by his son, Reinhard Maesar p. 72)

“All our prayers are addressed in the handwriting of the heart, readable to God and ourselves only.”

I just really liked it - it is so simple and personal. We can just express our feelings in prayer, the Lord knows our hearts and that is comforting to me, because sometimes I know I don’t pray about some of the things that I need to. And reading this reminds me that I want to express my feelings more in prayer, sometimes I forget and just ’say a prayer’ instead of really praying. What a good gift is prayer!

That’s why I like songs — the song of the righteous is a prayer, and sometimes it’s far easier to express your feelings through music than it is through spoken words. (Which isn’t to say that feelings can’t be expressed through words, of course.) Thanks for that quote. :)

I have read all of the writings of your website and love them - especially the ones directed at prayer and God’s will.
At 66, I have been divorced for 22 years. In the last 13 years, after my exhusband died, I have buried myself in family, work, and materialism. Last year I was contacted by a single former classmate in another state. He Woke me up ! I have learned that although I wanted marriage with him in the first months - God did me a favor because I have realized he is not the one for me. Then a few weeks ago I was contacted through the same reunion website by another former classmate in another state - this one turned out to married. I do not know why a newly married man is contacting women classmates. He says he loves his wife and is just renewing lost friends. This has nothing to do with me, because as a child of God I know to keep my distance from married men. But this man has Made me want to be married again and I am depressed and kicking myself for waiting until I am this old - to start praying and looking for another mate. Also at my age, time is against me, I do not want to look or court for four more years, etc. Thank you for reading/listening…

Thanks for your comment, Nancy. :) But don’t give up! It’s never too late, even though it may feel like it. But it really is never too late. I mean, it’s hard to fathom and even harder to make it part of our heart and mind, but God is a god of miracles. Remember Abraham and Sarah? :)