Through a glass darkly

In a conversation I had the other day, it hit me: pretty much everyone feels inadequate. It’s not just me. :) And yet “I’m the only one” is inadequacy’s ever-present traveling companion, which grabs a handful of salt and shoves it into the wound — after all, knowing you fall short of the standard is ten times worse when you’re isolated from the rest of humanity, off in your own barren and lonely wilderness.

Except these feelings of inadequacy are usually dead wrong. As is the perceived isolation. It’s an emotional illusion.

Not to say inadequacy doesn’t exist — it does — but it’s generally blown way out of proportion. It’s like putting on a pair of glasses that make the world look like a nuke just completely ravaged it. And even if things are that bad, there will always be a rose growing somewhere, buried underneath a fallen slab of concrete or some rusty corrugated metal.

And yet being aware of the folly of these feelings usually isn’t enough to overcome them. Maybe it’s built in to the human condition. Keeps us humble. (But then again it seems like there are people who don’t feel inadequate, who are always über-confident. The exception, perhaps? Or are they the same as the rest of us, they just don’t show it? We’ll never know…)

Two things help. First, forgetting ourselves and focusing outside, not inside. (This is often so hard for an introspect like me.) Lose your life to save it. Since these feelings of inadequacy are parasites living in our perceptions, not our reality, it’s okay to ignore them and do other things. After all, isn’t it kind of pointless to fret about something that doesn’t even exist? It’d be like losing sleep because the Death Star destroyed Alderaan.

Second, kind words make a huge difference. When I feel like I’m absolutely pathetic and will never make the cut (in whatever area of life is under the microscope at the moment), it helps a lot to remember some of the nice things people have said to me. Isn’t it amazing how just a few words can totally make your day? Compliments — sincere ones, of course — ought to be our default mode of discourse. No man is an island, after all, and since we’re all in this together, we really need to be lifting each other up, giving out strength to buoy us up when the storms come. I know that I for one don’t do this the way I should. (Hmm, is this inadequacy creeping in? Live specimen, folks! Just kidding. :))

I’ll add a third thing. We may think we’re pretty lame, but God evidently thinks otherwise. After all, he did give up his only begotten Son for us. You don’t do that for people who aren’t worth anything.

Since these feelings of inadequacy are parasites living in our perceptions, not our reality, it’s okay to ignore them and do other things.

I really think you’re right. A little while back I had the idea come to me that maybe there aren’t a lot of things wrong with me, maybe the problem is just that I think things are “wrong” with me.

If I could pick any kind of learning experience, I would love to be able to be in someone else’s mind for a day, or even for an hour for that matter, and just see how they thought - what they thought about themselves and others. I think I could learn so much.

Oh, you make me think of a scripture that I really like. It’s in Alma 33:16, “Thou art angry , O Lord, with this people because they will not understand thy mercies which thou hast bestowed upon them because of thy Son.” I’m sure it is frustrating to the Lord when we don’t really believe in his love for us, or how much he values us.

Oh, one last thought - I like how you said about what a huge difference words can make - This may sound funny, but I like to say nice things to myself in my journal :) It feels good to be kind to myself.

Wow, this comment turned out a lot longer than I expected - I like this topic. :)

If you could climb into someone else’s mind for a day, I think you’d certainly learn a lot, but you’d also be surprised how similar you two were. People generally have the same worries, the same kinds of hopes, even when the details differ. We’re part of a family.

It is good to be kind to yourself, and to not be too hard, either. I think our perfection-based culture (which is a good thing, seeing as Christ taught it) often makes us harder on ourselves than we need to be, because we’re thinking perfection in the moment, where Christ surely intended perfection in the long run. What we need to do is see ourselves (and others) the way God sees us. That’s the solution, really. If only it were easy. :)

Wow, I could have written this post (well, except for the sprinkling of fantastical Ben-original metaphors, of course). I’m constantly battling feelings of inadequacy. It runs in my family. I think this is especially common for people who have really active imaginations. Not only do you end up comparing yourself to others (bad idea), but you end up comparing yourself to an imagined, idealized version of yourself (really bad idea). Ideals are a two-edged sword. They help us aim high, but since they ARE ideals and not reality, we constantly fall short and this can wreak havoc on our self-esteem. My idealism is still something I’m trying to negotiate. I still have trouble convincing myself that a flawed reality really is better than a perfect unreality.

Holly–excellent comment! I really needed to hear this part: “A little while back I had the idea come to me that maybe there aren’t a lot of things wrong with me, maybe the problem is just that I think things are ‘wrong’ with me.” I’ve had the same experience. I once was telling a friend of mine about how I was trying to figure out what was wrong with me, and after I gave a long discourse on the topic, detailing my endeavors, he said, “Katherine, maybe you’re just human.” I didn’t know what to say after that. It left me speechless because he was right. The implication being that I have trouble accepting myself as human–as a deeply flawed being. So, I’m working on this.

Ben, you hit the nail on the head!

The problem, though is that we all think we’re “the only one” and sometimes (with me at least) wear these “special” problems as some kind of badge of courage. Then it just turns into a self-pity fest, and that’s just ugly.

The solution that most often works for me is something you hit on, but somewhat downplayed: our value as individuals. The Savior not only “thinks otherwise,” but has great respect and love for each of us. Holly has it figured out too–we can tell ourselves what amazing, beautiful, creative, loving, sacred beings we are. And we can throw out our cultural ideal of self-depreciation masquerading as humility, because it just doesn’t serve. Some people call these things affirmations, some people use prayer as a tool for this purpose, I believe the scriptures are FULL of these types of truths about our sacred nature, and that is one of the reasons we are commanded to read them often–it will remind us and keep us on track.

Of course, in a happy moment, I’m glad to put this all down in words, but of course I still have my days. Just lots fewer of them as I learn about who I really am.

Holly, I can relate. This post was intended to be a quick verbal high-five, but instead it’s some kind of honeybee communication dance. Ah! Well, have a great day guys. :)

Very well said, Ben. As far as the “uber-confident” people go, they all have inadequacy as well. I can say this because I’m usually one of them. And, as anyone who’s read my blog knows, I’ve got plenty of issues. On the flipside, though, if you saw me in public or at Church, you’d never guess I’m the same person. Great post!

Katherine: Which is why you really should start posting on your blog more often. :P Amen on ideals being a double-edged sword. I too still don’t quite know how to deal with them, but someday we’ll get there. (It might be long after we’re dead, but hey, it’s not that big of a difference. :)) And yes, it’s definitely okay to be human. :)

Bethany: Pity-parties are indeed ugly. And yet they feel so “good”… :P No, really, I didn’t nearly do justice to the bit at the end — I was going to be late for work. :) But you did a great job of expounding on it. You too should start posting on your blog again. ;)

Joe: Ah, the duality of man. :) I’m über-confident in some (most?) settings, but in others I’m pitifully, woefully awkward. If only I could get rid of the shy guy and be Mr. Bold all the time. (But maybe that would be a Midas touch…)